


Halfway to Heaven

by pandorabox82



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2018-07-26 14:24:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 25,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7577512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To expose a mole in the FBI, Erin and Penelope have to work together in close proximity for the foreseeable future. As tempers and personalities conflict, the anger sparks something much more interesting than hate. How will Erin cope with those feelings?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Chief Strauss, Director Shepperd is on line one for you."

"Thank you, Helen." She picked up her phone and pressed the flashing button. "Yes, Steve?"

"Erin, I need to see you in my office, as soon as possible. We have a situation we need to discuss."

Erin took a deep breath, wondering if this was finally the moment she would get fired. She'd been on such ice since her return from rehab. "Yes, of course, Steve. I'll be there in five minutes."

"Great. And bring your iPad, you're going to want to take notes." He hung up and she stared at her phone. At least she knew for sure she wasn't getting let go. Yet.

Standing, Erin smoothed her skirt and picked up the device from her desk. Leaving her office, she smiled at her assistant. "I'll be back later, Helen. Please take messages if I get any calls. If there's anything urgent, tell them I'm with the Director."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Erin went out to the elevators and rode up to the top floor in silence, her foot tapping an anxious tattoo. Finally, the doors opened and she stepped out, once more adjusting her clothing. "Everything's going to be fine," she whispered. Quickly walking into the outer office, she stopped in front of the desk of Shepperd's assistant. "Excuse me, may I just head in?"

The man smiled up at her kindly. "Yes, Chief Strauss, they're waiting for you. Don't worry, you're not the one in trouble." Winking, he stood and opened the door for her.

Going inside, she saw Steve, the other Section Chiefs of the Bureau, and Ms. Garcia were seated around his round table. "Ah, good, you're here, Erin. Please, have a seat." The only remaining chair was next to Ms. Garcia, and she sat reluctantly, not knowing how the other woman would react. She'd been volatile ever since Agent Prentiss had left for the second time. They locked eyes and Ms. Garcia gave her a small shrug.

"All right, Steven, fill us in on why we're here," the SCD from Counter Terrorism said, sounding thoroughly bored.

"Very well. I don't know how many of you follow the local rag newspaper, but some very sensitive information about the FBI and our departments is being leaked there. We need to find the leak, stop it, and now."

"Do you have any leads?" Erin found herself asking, and Steve smiled at her sadly.

"No. But you should know that the latest 'blind item' was about you and what you've been through." Erin felt her mouth tighten into a frown and he nodded. "That's why we need to act quickly, before all our secrets get exposed to the general public."

"There's no way our department can take time off to search for the perp," the SCD for missing persons said, and Erin watched the others nod in agreement. Which meant she had just lost out on the proverbial 'not me' contest.

"Shit," she murmured and heard Ms. Garcia giggle lowly.

"All right, it looks like SCD Strauss will be in charge of finding out who our mole is. And helping her will be our finest computer tech, Penelope Garcia. Erin, I'll be assigning someone to take over Ms. Garcia's position until the mole is revealed."

Erin nodded faintly and watched Steve dismiss the others, leaving her and Ms. Garcia alone with him. "Steve, how am I to manage this on top of my normal workload?"

"I'll help you out as much as I can, Erin. I know you and Alan have been working on your marriage, so I'm going to try to keep you here as little as possible. And rely on Ms. Garcia. She's going to be the backbone to this operation."

She nodded and looked down at her iPad. "Is there anything you can give us to start on?"

"It's someone who can access the personal files of everyone here. The only ones protected, so far, has been your main team, Erin. While I don't want to plant the idea that it could be one of them, given that Agent Prentiss has just left us once again, I do want you to start there. Can you set aside your feelings, Ms. Garcia, and assess them clinically?"

Erin looked at the younger woman and saw the conflict of emotion warring there on her face. "I guess I'm going to have to be, Sir. This is seriously going to suck, though."

"I imagine it will, Ms. Garcia. But we need to get a handle on who is doing this. The sooner, the better."

"Yes, Sir." He nodded and stood, and Erin took this as their cue to leave. She stood as well, picking up her iPad. "One more question, Director. Am I going to be in my office?"

"No. You'll be shadowing Erin every day. This is going to put you on a more regular schedule, but your pay will remain the same, since I am asking you to do extremely distasteful work. I'll be expecting weekly progress reports as well."

They nodded and Erin moved towards the door. "Coming, Ms. Garcia?"

"Yes, Ma'am." They exited the room and she stalked over to the elevator. This was not how she had expected her life to turn out, shackled to a woman who hated her for eight hours a day. "This wasn't my choice, either, Ma'am."

Erin stabbed the down button before whirling around to face her. There was a latent hostility in her eyes, along with honest curiosity. "My personal life will not be under the microscope. Here is the one thing you need to know. Alan and I are separated and he has custody of the children. You may not ask questions."

She turned back to face the elevator doors and tried to ignore the warm hand on her arm. "I'll need to grab some things from my office. Do you want to come with me or head right back?"

"I suppose I should come with you and explain what I can to Aaron." The doors opened and she stepped in, pressing the six button. It seemed fitting to hear Ms. Garcia hum along with the elevator music, and she tried not to sigh in exasperation. "Let's get this over with."

Every eye in the bullpen turned towards them as they entered. Squaring her shoulders, she looked around for Aaron, finding him in his office. Climbing the stairs, she knocked twice sharply before entering. "Chief Strauss, what can I do for you?" he asked as he stood.

_Ever the gentleman_ , she thought as she took a seat. "I just came to inform you of a temporary personnel change that Director Shepperd is making. For the next few weeks, and perhaps months, Ms. Garcia will be assisting me with a sensitive investigation. It goes without saying that I am not at liberty to discuss what we will working on."

He nodded and stared at her. "You're not happy with this."

"Would you be, Aaron? She's going to be like an underfoot puppy for weeks. The first real test of my sobriety comes in the form of that blonde whirlwind."

"I doubt that, Erin. You've been amazingly resilient so far. I know she can be a bit overwhelming at times, but she always means well. Try to keep that in mind as you work with her."

"I'll try if you try to keep Agent Morgan away from my office." Just as she finished saying that, she heard a commotion in the bullpen. They both stood and looked out to the window to see Ms. Garcia trying to hold back Agent Morgan. She shrank back into Aaron's comforting presence as the man broke free of the other woman's light grasp and bounded up the stairs.

"Hotch, what the hell? Did she tell you what's going on?"

"Derek, back off a little," she vaguely heard Aaron say. All she could focus on was the shaking of her hands, the watering of her mouth, as the craving washed over her. "This is coming directly from the Director." She weaved a little on her feet and he reached out to steady her. "Are you all right, Erin?"

"I'm fine," she snapped, pulling her arm free of his light grip. "If you'll excuse me, I have things to square away before our special assignment begins."

She stalked from the room, feeling harsh tears prickle her eyes as she passed by Dave's office. Their relationship had not worked out quite as she had hoped, though they'd parted as friends. Behind her, she could hear the clacking of heels and knew Ms. Garcia was trying to catch up with her. Erin didn't slow down until she was entering her office.

Helen looked up and the smile on her face quickly died at the look on Erin's face. "There were no calls, Erin."

"Good. Direct any further calls for me to Director Shepperd for the time being."

"Did he suspend you?"

"No. Worse. I'm on special assignment for a while and working closely with Ms. Garcia. If she asks you for anything, please see that she gets it."

"Of course." Helen went back to work, trying to ignore Ms. Garcia as she appeared at Erin's side.

"This way, Ms. Garcia." She ushered her into her office and closed the door behind them. "My office is sound proof, so we can freely discuss the case in here. Helen takes our lunch order at eleven, and we eat at noon. Do you have any questions?"

"Kind of. Director Shepperd was wrong. The unsub has hit our team by talking about you. Once you started a relationship with Rossi, you became part of the family. Just because you're no longer dating doesn't mean that changed for me. Even if you don't like me."

Erin nodded sharply, trying not to let those damnable tears flow down her face. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she closed her eyes. "Look, I don't want to start this mess until tomorrow. As soon as you're set up here, I'm going home, and you can, too."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Erin. If we're going to be together like this, you might as well use my name, and I'll use yours."

"All right then, Erin." Penelope sat on the couch and began to lay out laptops and an iPad. It didn't take long and they were soon leaving. Erin knew this was going to be the longest period of her life.


	2. Chapter 2

The morning came much too quickly, and Erin sat up with a groan. Everything about the previous day came rushing back and she buried her head in her hands as she sighed. Finally, she slid out of bed and padded over to her closet. It was supposed to be a warm day, so she pulled out a short black skirt and a short sleeved lilac blouse.

Already, she was craving, and she tried to push aside the feeling as she stepped into the shower. She kept the water cool, knowing that would focus her. She washed her body slowly, trying not to think about her day ahead. Erin began to shiver and so she ended her shower, stepping out onto the mat and grabbing a towel to dry off with.

Her morning rituals helped to calm her, soothing the craving away. On her way out the door, she grabbed a blueberry muffin and made her way to work. She arrived at her office before Helen, but the lights were already on and it gave her pause. Carefully, she opened the door to her inner office and entered.

"Good morning, Erin! I stopped at Starbucks and got us some coffee." Penelope looked up at her, smiling widely. "I wanted to get an early start this morning, since there's a lot of data to compile. There's not much for you to do yet, so I brought my personal iPad for you. Check out my Nook bookshelf, there has to be something you'll like there."

Erin sat next to her on the sofa, picking up the cup of coffee. Taking a sip, she found it perfect. "This is delicious. How did you know what I prefer?"

"I called Helen last night to find out. Sit, relax, I'll let you know when we have something to go over together." Erin nodded and sank back into the sofa, picking up the tablet and flipping through the apps. Turning the sound off, she loaded up the Angry Birds app. It was her guilty pleasure, something she used to blow off the steam of her cravings.

She lost track of time until the low battery sign flashed at her. "Penelope, did you bring your charger? I seem to have a low battery already."

"Angry Birds seems to do that to me every time, too. Here." Without looking up from her screen, she handed her the familiar white cord and Erin quickly plugged the device in, setting it to the side so she could watch Penelope work. "Do you have any questions?"

"How many people have been targeted so far?"

"You were the eighth. If the pattern holds, the next bit of salacious gossip will be in the paper tomorrow. Obviously, we aren't going to be that quick about things, but I hope I can get us started. Did you read what they said about you?"

"No. I only read the New York Times. I was totally blindsided by this yesterday."

Penelope nodded and handed her one of the laptops. "Yours is the first tab, since it's the newest. I'm trying to figure out who everyone is. A few of them were easy to figure out, since I've worked with them before, like Jordan Todd. Hers is probably the worst, by far, if it's true."

Erin shuddered as she set the laptop down on her legs, quickly reading what the mole thought of her. It was nothing good, and she struggled not to cry as the words washed over her heart. Washed up, failure, a drunk living on borrowed time. Each word was a damning accusation, and she clicked on to the next tab. "Seven is Ryan Barr. He works with Homeland Security. Oh, I hope Courtney didn't see this, her pregnancy is risky enough as it is," she murmured before going to the next tab and being confronted with Agent Todd's sins. "Penelope, if this is true, there's more than just her job on the line. This could be considered treason."

"I know. And since she's with the FBI, she could receive the highest punishment. We're not allowed to tell her. I called and asked the Director already." Penelope looked sad, and Erin could just shake her head.

"They've most likely already opened up an investigation to explore the charges. It's not fair, but that's how things are." Sighing, she clicked over to the next tab. "Oh, this is too delicious. The pool boy? Really, Ashley?"

"I take it you know that one, too."

"Uh huh. Ashley Osborne from White Collar Crimes. Sanctimonious little bitch, always thinking she was so good for being the perfect woman, perfect wife, perfect Christian. I knew it was too good to be true." She felt the gleeful smile spread across her face and noticed the slight look of consternation of Penelope's. "What?"

"Her life was destroyed, just like yours. Don't you have even one ounce of compassion to spare for the woman?"

Erin paused for a moment, absorbing Penelope's words. "Why should I be kind if she never was?" she finally asked.

"My god, no wonder everyone thinks you're such a bitch. I had thought you were changing a little, given your openness at JJ's wedding. I guess I was wrong."

The disappointment and derision evident in her voice were sharp barbs to Erin's tender heart. She picked up her coffee cup and took a long draw before standing up and stalking over to the window, staring outside. She tried to blink back the hot tears that prickled her eyes, but they still spilled out and down her cheeks. She knew enough to not swipe at them, since that would expose her vulnerability to the other woman.

"Are you going to come back and help me identify the other four?" Penelope asked peevishly and Erin stiffened.

"In a few minutes. See if you can find a common link between us four," she bit out.

"Erin…"

"Shut up. Just shut up and do your work." Erin knew she was being irrational and bitchy, but she didn't care. Her heart was hurting and some small part of her wanted Penelope to hurt as well. And then she heard Penelope sniffle twice in short order. She stared at the ceiling as she tried to control her emotional response to her.

The silence yawned between them and when she felt Penelope's hand on her upper arm, she flinched. "I'm sorry, I just don't understand you." She turned to look at her, not caring if her eyes were red-rimmed or puffy. Penelope gasped and took a step back. "Or maybe I didn't stop to look closer."

Erin was deeply shocked when Penelope tugged her into a tight hug. "Let go of me, please. You are not my friend, you've made that abundantly clear this morning." Her heart continued to hurt as she spoke. She knew she was just alienating herself from future hurt, as in the long run, this was nothing more than a professional relationship, not a friendship.

Penelope complied, stepping back to look at her. "Not everyone is going to hurt you, Erin."

"Yes, well, you just did. Or is your memory that short?" She took another sip of her coffee, only to have the cup torn from her hands, some of the liquid sloshing out to stain her blouse.

"I apologized."

"For not understanding me, not for what you said. There's a rather large difference between the two." Erin lowered herself onto the sofa and picked up the laptop once more, clicking over to the next tab. "Rory Johnson from Cyber Crimes."

"I want to talk about this, Erin."

She stared up at Penelope coldly. "Rory Johnson from Cyber Crimes." Breaking eye contact, she clicked on the next tab. "Phillip Alber from Human Trafficking. Angela Teesdale from Domestic Terrorism. Carl Hansen from Internal Affairs." Erin pushed the laptop at Penelope and then stood once more, drawn to the window again.

The late morning sun highlighted the brown stain on her blouse and she sighed. It was one of her favorites, and she prayed the coffee wouldn't stain it. Rubbing her temple lightly, she desperately wished for just a single drop of bourbon to ease away the frustration of her already too long day.

"Here, this should clean up the stain a little." Penelope handed her one of those Tide pens and she accepted it wordlessly. Taking off the cap, she rubbed it on the spot, watching the blot fade and disappear. Some small part of her wished there was something that could as easily remove the stains on her heart.

"Thank you," she said lowly, handing the pen back to Penelope. "And you've never heard someone say to you that your husband wouldn't cheat on you if only you slept with him more, if only you weren't such an uptight prude."

"You're right, I haven't." The other woman slipped the pen back in her purse. "Then again, I also wouldn't be so small as to take joy at another's downfall."

"Sometimes that's all we have." Erin took a seat behind her desk and stared at the picture of her children. It was three years out of date, but it was all she had of them now, too. "After all, some of us are just living on borrowed time." She turned her chair to face her computer and checked her email, hoping to see something from one of her children.

A soft smile crossed her face as she clicked on the letter from her youngest, Tabitha. Reading through it, she barely recognized someone setting a plate of food next to her. Absently, she picked up half of the sandwich and took a bite, relishing the delicious taste of food. She hadn't realized how hungry she was until that moment.

"Truce?" The question was asked so softly Erin wondered if she had heard it at all. Looking up into sad brown eyes, she nodded sharply.

"Truce." The smile that flickered across Penelope's face was sad and Erin tamped down her natural instinct to comfort her. It would do no good, though, and would only result in her getting hurt, she was certain of that. "Let's call it a day. Neither of us is up to doing anything else today."

All Penelope did was nod, biting her lip as she picked up her purse and left Erin's office. Once alone, Erin stretched out on her sofa and fell asleep, wanting this horrid day to be over.


	3. Chapter 3

"…up, Erin." She pulled away from whoever was shaking her and turned, encountering the leather of her sofa. Moaning a little, she sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "Did you spend the night here?"

Erin looked up into Penelope's eyes, confusion furrowing her brow. "What are you doing in my house?" she snarled.

"You never went home. You're still in your office." Penelope's open face became a closed off mask at the harsh tone Erin used, and she tried not to wince at the reaction. Sitting up, she rubbed her wrist absently, trying to encourage blood flow to come back.

"Oh. Did you bring me coffee?"

"Yes." A tiny smile darted across the woman's face as she handed the cup over. Erin took it from her hand, trying to ignore the soft spark that flared between them as their fingers brushed. "And I brought cookies. Oatmeal raisin, so at least we can pretend they're a healthy breakfast. I made them last night. I hope you like them." Penelope's smile grew shy, and Erin fought not to smile back at her. It wouldn't do to encourage the woman after all.

"Thank you," she whispered, taking one of the cookies from the tin and nibbling at it. "Oh, god, why didn't Helen wake me up? My back aches." The words tumbled out of her lips before she could stop them, and Penelope nodded sympathetically.

"I know how you feel. I've fallen asleep in my office, too, waiting on results from my searches. Do you have a fresh outfit to change into?"

Erin shook her head, her neck feeling so stiff. "No. I brought my spare outfit home last week, so that I could wash it and pick out something fresh." Sighing, she reached up and rubbed her neck, trying to work out that kink.

"Here, sit down on the floor in front of me," she offered as she lowered herself onto the couch. Erin hesitated a moment before complying, sitting crossed leg in front of the woman. She started a little when she felt Penelope's fingers quickly wind up her hair before pushing a bobby pin through to hold it up.

Unbidden, a low groan tumbled from her lips as strong thumbs worked out the knot at the base of her neck. Erin's head lolled forward, her chin resting on her chest as those nimble fingers continued to work on her neck before slipping down her back. She tensed once more, though, when she felt Penelope tug her blouse out of the waistband of her skirt and slide her hands up underneath it. "Penelope?" she asked, her voice slightly sharp.

"My skin was catching on the silk of your blouse. I didn't want to snag it." The quick response calmed her a little and she nodded a little as the woman once more began to massage her back. It felt heavenly, and she groaned with pleasure once more, louder that time. "You have so much tension built up, Erin. I need to be able to get at the small of your back. Do you want to get up on the couch and stretch out for me?"

She nodded and carefully got to her feet, her knees wobbling a little as she fought to balance herself. She and Penelope switched places, and once more, she felt Penelope's hands against her bare skin, the heels of her hands digging into the small of her back and working out the hard knot there. The warmth of relaxation spread throughout her body, and she moaned a little as the tips of Penelope's fingers brushed against the swell of her breast. "Don't stop," she whispered when the woman's hand stilled.

"A-all right," she said haltingly, resuming her work on Erin's lower back "There, I think I got all the kinks out. How do you feel?"

The question broke through the haze of her relaxation, and she sat up, rolling her shoulders a little. "Wonderful. I haven't felt this weightless in months."

Penelope gave her a small smile before handing her her coffee cup. "I'm just glad that I could help." There was a faint blush staining her cheeks, and Erin wondered what could have elicited that response in the woman. She'd had massages before, the women giving them had always had slight finger slips, there was nothing sexual about it. Frowning, she sipped at her now lukewarm coffee and stared at Penelope, watching her wall herself off from her.

"Penelope." The woman shook her head as she unpacked her laptop and took a seat next to her on the couch. "What is your problem?"

The question came out a bit more harshly than she had intended it, and Penelope flinched a little as she shrugged. "I overstepped my place," she finally whispered, staring at her computer screen.

"No, you didn't. I'm not offended." Whiskey brown eyes darted over to look at her lips, and she tried to smile a little, wanting to set the woman's heart at ease for some reason.

"Really?"

"Really." A true smile spread across Penelope's face as she looked up at Erin and she had to fight not to let the woman know just how beautiful she thought her smile was. Which was a thoroughly absurd thought, given the nature of their relationship as boss-employee. Breaking eye contact with her, she sipped at her coffee before letting out a deep sigh. "So, did you do any work on the case last night?" she asked, trying to calm the rapid beating of her heart.

"A little. I found out that there really is no connection between you and the others implicated. Well, besides the fact that Jordan once worked under you. I'm at a loss as to what motive could be behind this."

Erin tapped her fingers against her mouth as she picked up her tablet and read through the blind items in the paper once more. "I don't recognize this writing style at all, either."

"That's the point of blind items, really. They use the vaguest of terms possible while still painting a clear enough picture for the reader to know exactly who is being discussed. Who is being destroyed. I used to think that Hollywood blind items were fun, but I don't anymore."

Penelope let out a soft sigh, and Erin couldn't stop her hand from covering the other woman's, squeezing softly. The tender gesture surprised her and Penelope, but then she was squeezing back, her thumb rubbing against the back of her hand. "I'm sorry I snapped at you yesterday. I just get overwhelmed at times," she whispered as she scrolled through the data.

"I can only imagine what you were feeling. I know that you didn't exactly ask for this assignment. I, I'll try to stay out of your hair."

Erin tightened her hold on Penelope's hand at those words, feeling a sudden sense of panic at the idea of being left alone, yet again. "If that's what you want." She prayed that her voice didn't sound as weak aloud as it did in her ears.

"I thought it would be what you wanted," was the quick reply, and she gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head. "Has anyone ever chosen to stay with you?"

"No," she whispered, finding it hard to lie to Penelope.

"Then that is their tremendous loss. Could we be friends? I know, I've never done anything to exactly inspire trust in me, but I would like to extend that olive branch to you."

She took a few deep breaths as she thought about the proposition set before her. "My friends haven't been the most loyal, as you can see from these secrets revealed about me. I need to know that I can trust someone in my life," she finally said, looking over at Penelope.

"I think I can be that for you. If you let me."

Erin went to tell her to prove it when Helen opened the door, peeking her head inside. "Excuse me, Erin, but Agent Morgan is demanding to come down and see Ms. Garcia. I think there's been another blind item released, because he is spouting off some seriously crazy nonsense about you seducing her."

She felt the blood drain from her face as she hurriedly went to the newspaper's website, clicking through to their blind items. "Oh, god," she heard Penelope whisper as she read the vile words written about them, and Erin tried to pull her hand away, feeling like she needed to flee. "Would you tell Derek that he needs to realize that there is no basis to these lies, and that I will meet him for lunch for a more in depth explanation? We need to be alone."

"Erin?"

"Please, do as she asks," she murmured, not looking at either of them. From the corner of her eye, she saw Helen nod before she left them, closing the door with a soft click. "And now I've dragged you into this mess. I can handle the rest of this on my own, Penelope. You don't deserve to be dragged through the proverbial mud."

Standing, she finally pulled her hand away from Penelope's and made her way over to the window, staring out at the scenery. The first tears began to slip down her cheeks, and she wondered when she had gotten so weak as to cry twice in two days in front of a subordinate. And then, Penelope was at her side, her arms wrapping around her waist as she pulled her into a soft hug. "I'm not going to leave you. Friends don't abandon each other in their times of need."

Erin struggled to keep from turning in Penelope's arms, to keep from accepting the hug, but the embrace lingered until she final slumped a little, all fight leaving her body. "It seems that I was the target all along," she whispered as she allowed Penelope to turn her and pull her head down onto the woman's shoulder. And then, she let herself sob.


	4. Chapter 4

"Did your lunch go well?" Erin asked as Penelope rejoined her later on that afternoon.

Penelope wouldn't meet her eye, and so she knew that the meeting had not gone well at all. Sighing a little, she picked her iPad up and began to distract herself to keep from crying yet again that day. "He's really protective of me. And I hate making excuses for him. May I sit next to you?"

Erin nodded absently, not looking up at Penelope. The couch dipped under her weight, and she had to fight the urge to scoot closer, to let the warmth of Penelope's body bleed into hers. "Honestly, if it comes down to choosing between this assignment and keeping your friendship with Agent Morgan, I can always get Helen to assist me."

The first hot, bitter, tears slipped down her cheeks, and then Penelope was pulling her hand away from the tablet and entwining their fingers. Still, she couldn't look at the woman, not certain if she would be able to see the answer that was lurking in her eyes. "Would you look at me, please, Erin?" She shook her head a little, only to start when Penelope cupped her chin and turned her head. Still, she focused on her chin, rather than look up into her eyes, knowing that either way, she would start to sob. It wasn't fair, really, that this one person held such power over her emotions, and she fought to find the aloofness that had served her quite well in the past.

"What do you want, Penelope?" she finally said lowly, her brow furrowing as she continued to stare at the woman's chin.

"I want you to stop crying," the woman replied, her voice breaking a little. The grip on her face relaxed a bit, and then Penelope was stroking her hair, trying to comfort her. "I want you to realize that I won't abandon you in the middle of this dreadful case. I want to be your friend. There are so many things that I want, but most of all? I want you to find this creep so that we can nail them to the wall. You are not washed up, your best days are not behind you. That scar on your wrist proves that."

There was something so fierce about the way that she said those words that it took Erin aback and she ran her thumb against the raised tissue of said scar as she nodded a little. Finally, she raised her eyes and saw that there were tears pooling in Penelope's. "Please, you don't have to be nice. My heart cannot take hope well."

"Oh, Erin," she breathed out, her hand coming back to cup her face, the thumb running back and forth over her cheek. "Everyone needs some hope in their lives. Let me be that for you." And then, Penelope closed the distance between them and kissed her cheek softly. It was a lovely kiss, and Erin smiled a little at the gentleness of the gesture.

"The best I can do is promise that I'll try. Now, would you please tell me about what happened at lunch? I need to know if there is something that I should be worried about in the future." Erin straightened her back, carefully removing Penelope's hand from her face and hoping that she knew that it wasn't that she didn't want the touch, she just needed a little space. From the small shake of her head, and the wry smile that flitted across her face, Erin knew that she understood.

"Derek's been my best friend since I started at the BAU. We've learned how to protect each other from the world that would reject us as different. And that carries over into every aspect of our lives." Penelope took hold of her hand, her thumb ghosting along Erin's palm. "He knows that you've changed, that rehab did good things for you. He thought, up until this morning, that you were still with Rossi. The hotheaded Italian rat bastard quickly disabused him of that notion."

Erin blanched a little at the way that Penelope described David, and she frowned a little. "I don't think that you should call him that, Penelope. He is technically your superior, and I don't want to see you getting into trouble over some misguided effort to defend my honor. It's sweet, and kind, but will do you no good."

"He was unkind and said horrible, ugly, things about you. I don't know what happened between the two of you while you were in the hospital and they were searching for Curtis, but I can only guess that the strain of almost dying tore you apart. I can guess that you're still aching inside by the way you said that asking you about what happened was off limits when we were in the elevator a few days ago. He has Hotch, and JJ, and everyone else on his side, and there's no one who's on your side, no one but me. And if I get in trouble for calling a jackass a jackass, so be it. Because you are worth defending."

Erin drew in a long, shaky, breath. "What, what makes you say that?" she asked, trying desperately to sound like she was in control, yet knowing that she was failing miserably.

"Because there is a light that shines from your soul. I saw it when you were dancing with Rossi at Jayje's wedding. And even if the others forget that in their need to rally around Rossi, I'm not going to forget."

Really, Erin should have seen the kiss coming, but it happened so fast that she couldn't hold her hand against Penelope's chest to keep her at arm's length. "We can't do this, Penelope."

"You needed to be reminded that someone cares for you. I won't apologize for kissing you, it wasn't a come on. You needed comforting, that's all."

Erin nodded a little as her phone intercom came on. "Chief Strauss? Agent Hotchner would like to talk to you and Penelope a moment. Is now a good time?"

Clearing her throat, she gazed at Penelope, watching her retreat a little into herself. Her eyes, though, were full of compassion. Nodding to her, she said, "Yes, Helen, now is a fine time." Erin shook her shoulders a little as she quickly swiped at her eyes, hoping to rid the final lingering tears before he entered.

They both sat a little straighter as the door opened, and then Aaron was stepping inside, closing the door behind him. "Ladies, I think that we need to have a little discussion," he said, his voice gruff and cold. She had heard that tone used before, when he was upset with something that she had done, and she bit the inside of her lips to keep from shuddering.

"About what, Hotch?"

Penelope's voice was tight and low, as if she was fighting to keep from yelling, and Erin reached her hand out towards her, only to stop halfway. Aaron looked between them, the lines on his face growing more pronounced the longer his gaze lingered. "About the fight you and Morgan had earlier today. I know that you want to say that nothing is wrong, but when three of my team are butting heads, I have to look at the problem. And it seems like this assignment is what is tearing my team apart. Where are you in terms of closing this case?"

While he was staring at Penelope, Erin felt like the barbed words were directed at her, and she took a deep breath. "We've only just started. It seemed like our gossip was focusing on other teams, that this was some big anti-FBI objective, but it seems like with the last blind item that this person is choosing to focus on me."

"And is the latest blind item true? Are you trying to seduce Penelope?"

His black eyes bored into hers, and Erin dug her thumbnail into the meat of her palm so as not to cry in front of him. "I shouldn't even deign to answer that question, Agent Hotchner. That you would ask it means that you deem there is some truth to that scurrilous lie. And that is why it is so critical that Penelope and I work on bringing this person to justice. Now, I'll thank you to leave, and inform Agents Morgan and Rossi that my private life is none of their business. If I even hear one word whispered about Penelope that would impugn her honor or her integrity, I will lay it at their feet and will not hesitate to write them both up."

Her voice had gotten quieter and quieter, and when she reached her last word, all one could hear was the ticking of the second hand on her clock. Aaron glared at them, and it was then that she noticed she was clutching Penelope's hand in hers. Still, she didn't let go of her, instead, staring him down. "I'll make certain that they know that, Chief Strauss."

"And make certain that Derek leaves Erin alone, Hotch. She's been through enough, and if any of you make me choose, it won't be the choice you want." Penelope squeezed her hand three times, and Erin relaxed her grip a little, feeling the pounding of her heart calm a little. "And if any of you attack her? You will wish that you had never heard of the Black Queen."

Aaron blanched a little as he gave them a sharp nod, turning on his heel and stalking out the door. As it slammed closed, Erin slumped back against the sofa, letting go of Penelope's hand to rake her fingers through her hair. "I can defend myself."

"I know. I just thought it was high time that someone defended you, too."

She nodded absently, feeling the first signs of her cravings attack her body. "I, I just cannot be here any longer. Stay, take however long you need to finish what you were working on earlier. We'll regroup in the morning?"

Penelope nodded and reached out for her hand once more. "Of course, Erin. And I'll bring coffee and more cookies. Get some sleep, you look exhausted."

"I'll try," she murmured as she stood and went over to her desk to grab her purse. "Oh, and pick something different for me. Something you think I'd like. After all, friends know those things about each other, right?"

"Right." Penelope gave her a long, searching look, as if she knew what Erin was thinking about. "And if you wake up in the middle of the night and need someone to talk to, my ear is always open for you. I promise."

Erin gave her a tight nod as she scurried out the door, needing to escape from everything in that moment.


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing Erin did when she arrived home was slip into her pantry and dig frantically through the boxes and cans, searching out the one bottle of alcohol she had not been able to part with. Alan had bought her the bottle of Lazzaroni Amaretto for her birthday a few years back, and she had been saving it for a special occasion. And then, she had gone to rehab, but still she couldn't get rid of that bottle.

Her fingers finally came in contact with the cool glass of the bottle and she sighed in relief, tugging it out and smiling at the caramel color. Biting her lip a little, she made her way out to the living room and sat heavily on the sofa as she just continued to stare at the bottle. There was something stopping her from opening the bottle, from diving headlong into oblivion, and she wondered why she couldn't find the strength, or weakness, to take that first sip.

Letting out a watery laugh, she closed her eyes and finally undid the top, opening the bottle without looking. The delicious, familiar, scent spread into her senses and she brought the bottle up to her nose, breathing in deeply. A low groan tumbled from her lips as she began to bring it down to her lips. She had almost taken that first sip when a sharp knock came at her front door. Frowning, she set the bottle on her coffee table and stood up.

The knocking increased in intensity the longer it took her to get to the door, and by the time she answered, she was furious for some unknown reason. "Yes?" she growled out before looking into the bemused face of Penelope. "Oh, hi."

"Hi, yourself, cutie pie." The pet name took her even further aback, and so she speechlessly led Penelope inside, locking the door behind her. "I, I hope you don't mind me coming to your house, I just couldn't leave things as they were. Something told me that you needed a friend to listen to you, and here I am."

Erin nodded, dumbfounded at the perceptiveness of the younger woman. "I do," she finally whispered as she took hold of Penelope's hand, guiding her into the living room. The sigh of resignation tore at Erin's heart, and she followed Penelope's gaze to the coffee table, her shoulders sinking as she realized what the other woman must think of her. "I haven't taken that first sip. I was waiting for something, or perhaps, someone to come."

"Erin." Her name sounded like a plea dropping from Penelope's lips, and she shrugged a little, folding in on herself as she took a seat on the sofa. "I am so very proud of you right now. You didn't give in to the craving, even though you might have wanted to."

She looked up, only to see Penelope smiling sweetly at her. "I was saving this bottle for a special occasion that never came. I really want to get drunk right now, even though it won't solve any of my problems."

"Well, I could always drink the bottle for you."

She giggled a little before shrugging once more. "I suppose that you could. Someone might as well get some pleasure from the bottle." Penelope nodded and picked it up, taking a swig before shuddering a little. "It's a bit strong."

"Strong is not the word for that sweetness, Erin. Though I could easily get used to drinking this, it is delicious."

"It was my alcohol of choice, back in the day." She gave Penelope a wry smile before pulling her knees up to her chest, watching the woman drink a little more of the amaretto. "Thank you," she said, the words blurring together as they escaped her throat.

"This is nothing, Erin. I would do anything for a friend, I want you to know." After taking another swig of amaretto, Penelope set the bottle aside, resealing it and then turning to face her. "All right, what brought about that craving that you felt you couldn't keep at bay?"

"Everything just seems to be going to Hell in a hand basket. I'm alienating you from your friends, I'm at the center of this vile person's target, David obviously is still smarting from our breakup, even though he was the one to end things, even though a small part of me still loves him. I've tried to tie a knot at the end of my proverbial rope, but it seems like someone has covered the knot with grease, and I'm fast losing my hold."

The words just spilled from her lips, like she had really taken those drinks instead of Penelope. She had had the annoying habit of complete honesty when she was blitzed, much though it had not done her any good. "Then it's a good thing that your friend is here to catch you, should your hold fail."

The tender smile on Penelope's lips made her feel so at ease, and she nodded a little, almost anticipating when Penelope leaned forward and kissed her. The sweetness of the amaretto still lingered on her lips, and she lapped at the younger woman's lips with her tongue, savoring the taste. When she pulled away, Erin let out a soft sound of disappointment. "I thought that you weren't coming on to me?" she asked, suddenly needing to distance herself from the emotional intimacy of the moment they had just shared.

"I wasn't. You just seem to need kisses. Don't you ever kiss your friends?"

Erin bit her lip as she shook her head a little. "Not like that," she said so lowly that Penelope leaned closer once more to hear her. "Friendship kisses are always on the cheek. Aren't they?"

"It all depends on you, cutie pie." Again with the pet name, and Erin chuckled a little. "What? Don't like that one? I'm certain I can think of some cute name that will suit you. Dave is the Italian Stallion, Hotch is either Boss Man or Hotch Rocket, Der is my chocolate Thunder God, Jayje is Gumdrop. All my friends get a new moniker, so you had better get used to that right quick."

Erin nodded, letting out a long, slow, breath. "I suppose that would be all right, Penelope."

"I'm glad that's settled, then. Now, is there anything else that I should be aware of in your past that might be dredged up by our mole? If we can get one step ahead of this person, perhaps we can find them before any of us gets hurt further."

She sighed as she thought about her past. Bringing her eyes up to look into Penelope's, she slowly shook her head. There were things that had been buried in the past long ago, and she was almost certain that they would not come back to haunt her. And there was no way that she was close enough with Penelope to even begin to explain her affair with Alex. "No, Penelope, there is nothing else in my past that you should know."

The other woman frowned at her, as if she knew that Erin was keeping something back, but then her eyes cleared and she nodded. "All right, when you feel comfortable enough, I'll want to hear that story." A large yawn tore through Penelope, and Erin found herself answering in kind. "Would you mind if I crashed at your place tonight? I don't trust myself to drive after drinking and being this tired."

A small part of Erin wanted to say no, wanted to have Penelope leave her inner sanctum, but then she looked into those soft brown eyes, and found herself nodding. "I might have an old shirt of David's that would fit you, but…I've lost weight thanks to my ordeal, and I've gone down a full size."

"That's okay, I can make a t-shirt work no problem."

"Good," Erin said with a relieved breath. "Um, if you want to follow me upstairs then, I can search through my dresser." Getting up, she took off for her bedroom, not looking back to see if Penelope was following or not.

The floorboards creaking in her bedroom told her enough to know that Penelope was hot on her heels, and she shook her head a little as she opened her pajama draw and began to root around inside, her hand finally coming in contact with the worn, soft, t-shirt. Turning, she held it out to Penelope.

Erin let her shoulders slump as soon as Penelope was out the door. While she hadn't wanted another kiss, she had almost been expecting it, and a tiny part of her was disappointed to not receive it. Which was absurd, she knew. She could not possibly be falling for this woman, not when her last relationship with a woman had been so disastrous. Letting out a deep sigh, she pulled out a nightgown for herself and quickly stripped, deciding to shower in the morning. There were some things that only sleep could quell, and this feeling was one of them.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

Erin had made certain that she was the first one to leave the next morning, smiling widely when Penelope said that she would stop and get coffee for the both of them. It seemed like they were already falling into a set of patterns, and that thought comforted her a little.

As she stepped into her office, she wasn't surprised to see Helen already seated behind her desk, and her assistant gave her a small smile. "Good morning! It looks like you got some good sleep last night," she said as she rummaged around on her desk. "These are all your phone messages from the time you left yesterday until this morning. And before you ask, no, I did not get a copy of today's paper. Besides, if the unsub keeps to his pattern, a new blind item won't pop up for another day or two. I'll be sure to send Penelope right in the moment I see her."

"Thank you, Helen," Erin replied as she took the thin sheaf of paper from her assistant's hands. The sweet optimism that she was showing in her belief that this unsub would follow a pattern was so naïve, but it made her heart feel a little lighter nonetheless. That feeling soon left as she turned on her computer and clicked over to the website of the paper. The tight feeling of anxiety began to churn in her stomach as she navigated over to the blind items, scrolling through until she reached one that sounded like it had been taken straight from her past.

_Delving further into the skeleton filled closet of the FBI, we were not surprised to find out that this supposedly straight as an arrow Section Chief actually has quite the rainbow checkered past. Maybe that was the reason that she saw fit to cut the rope out from under her subordinate when the opportunity arose? All we know is that amends can never make up for the sting of betrayal from a lover._

Gagging a little, Erin clicked off the page and pushed away from her desk before making a run for the bathrooms. It was still early enough that there weren't many others there, which made her feel a lot better as she closed herself in the handicap bathroom and dropped to her knees, quickly losing the contents of her stomach. As she struggled to catch her breath, Erin rested her forehead on her arm, willing away the tears.

"I don't know how Alex will take this," she whispered as she reached out to flush away the evidence of her shame. With shaky arms, Erin pushed herself up from the floor, reaching out to rest one hand against the wall of the stall as she took a long, steadying, breath.

"Erin? Helen said that you weren't feeling well. Do you need me to get you something to settle your stomach? Like soda crackers or seltzer water or something?"

Her heart once more dropped into the pit of her stomach as she recognized Penelope's voice. This was going to devastate her, finding out about the secret Erin had kept in such a public way. And she had no idea how to make it right with the woman. "I'll be fine, Penny. Just go back to my office and wait for me."

"Oh, honey, no. We are going to head back together. I need to see for myself that you're okay."

Somehow, Erin knew that this was a battle she would not win, so she drew in a deep breath before stepping out of the stall and heading over to the sinks. Turning the tap on, she let the water run until it was warm, and then she was washing her hands and face. "Thanks," she murmured as she took the paper towels from Penelope's outstretched hand, drying off before meeting her gaze in the mirror. "Really, your concern is sweet, but I'm certain your coffee is getting cold."

"Frak the coffee, Erin. There was another blind item, wasn't there? And it was about you." Her first instinct was to shake her head, to deny the words that she had spoken, but there was nothing she could do to change the words on the website, no matter what she said. "Erin? Don't freeze me out now."

"Yes, there was another blind item. But I'm not entirely certain that the unsub is talking about me. It could be about anyone."

Penelope cocked her head to one side, as if to say that she didn't believe Erin in the slightest, but Erin tried to smile as she brushed past the younger woman to throw the towels away. "Don't think that this is over. I am relentless."

"I know you are, it's one of your best traits," Erin whispered as she left the bathroom and scurried over to her sanctuary. From the corner of her eye, she saw Alex and Aaron standing in the doorway of the bullpen, and she knew then that they had both already read the blind item. A confrontation was in the air, and her hands began to tremble once more as a craving swept over her body.

And then, Penelope was placing a steady hand on the small of her back, leading her into her office and closing the door behind them. "You are seriously scaring me, Erin. What could possibly be so bad as to provoke that sort of reaction from you?"

Just as she was about to gently break the news of her final secret to Penelope, they both heard raised voices in the outer office. From the sound of things, Erin knew that Aaron was trying to get Helen to announce him, and that she was refusing. "He's too angry, that's why she's not letting him in," Erin murmured off-handedly, feeling her entire body turn numb with the knowledge that very soon her life was going to turn upside down and that she would lose the one person who had started to reach out to her.

"What would he have to be angry about, Erin?"

There was a cord of iron running through her voice, and Erin closed her eyes as she pulled away from the younger woman and made her way over to the window from memory. Reaching out, she splayed her hand against the cool glass and awaited her fate. "Erin, Agent Hotchner would like to come speak to you, but I'm not entirely certain that he's in the best frame of mind to do so at the present time."

"It's all right, Helen, thank you for trying to protect me. But I made this bed years ago, and now the chickens have come home to roost." She knew that she was mixing metaphors, but she didn't really care at that moment. She heard Penelope come up behind her and just as the younger woman's hand came to rest on her upper arm, the door to her office opened, and they both turned to see Aaron enter. "I take it that you saw today's blind item."

"No, Alex was kind enough to point it out to me before she proceeded, in great detail, to inform me of the relationship that the two of you shared. Is it true? Did you really sell her out in order to save your own job during the Amerithrax case?"

The blood slowly drained from her face as her breaths became more and more shallow. "That is somewhat true, yes. We did have an affair, we chose to deliberately betray our husbands, and at the time we thought it was worth it. I thought, well, I fell in love. I didn't mean for that to happen, and then, when we were almost caught, I did sell her out. Because I couldn't afford to lost my job and my husband in the same fell swoop. Didn't you ever wonder why Alex was so hostile towards me when she first came back?"

"She was good at hiding that part of herself away. What did you think would happen?" It took Erin a few beats to comprehend what he was referring to, and she drifted over to her couch and took a seat, digging her fingers into the leather of the arm as she fought to keep her tears inside. "Well?"

"I thought that it would all work out in the end. It was the one time in my life I allowed myself to be naïve, even though I had undermined Alex's findings. Yes, she made a mistake, but I thought that if I pointed that out, that she would take stock of things, change her assessment, and that everything would be all right."

"Were you afraid that she was gunning for your position?"

Aaron's words were a cruel jab to her heart, and Erin bit her lip, finding the tears closer than ever to falling. "No. I never wanted to be Section Chief. I hated politics, even though I was good at them. I would have welcomed someone else in my position, allowing me to go out in the field and be the agent I trained to be."

Desperately, she looked to Penelope, hoping beyond hope that the woman could spare a tender look for her. Instead, she was staring at the floor, her features tight, her body language closed off. That was when the first crack in her defenses happened, and a few tears rolled down her cheeks. Aaron frowned deeply, a look of pity on his face, and she quickly looked down into her lap, allowing herself to cry. "So, this is a totally true blind item. Great. I expected more of you, Erin."

"I expected more of myself, too," she whispered as she listened to him leave the room, the door closing quietly behind him. The silence stretched out between Penelope and herself, and Erin didn't know what was worse – Aaron's casual judgement of her, or Penelope's silent condemnation. All she knew was that she deserved it, for everything that she had let happen in her life.


	7. Chapter 7

"Thank you, Helen," Erin whispered when her assistant dropped off lunch for them. The woman gave her a sweet smile as she reached out and lightly ran her hand down her shoulder. In the years that they had been together, Helen had figured out exactly who she was behind the mask that she wore at the BAU, and had managed to worm her way past Erin's carefully constructed walls to silently encourage and care for her.

"If you need anything, Erin, just let me know. Okay?"

She nodded and gazed across the table at Penelope, watching as she opened her container and dug into her food. They were now on hour four of the woman not talking to her, and Erin was going a bit mad at the silence. "I will, Helen."

Helen nodded before leaving them alone once more, and the door closing sounded so loud to her ears. She shook her head a little as she opened her container and opened the chopsticks, stabbing at a chunk of chicken. The food held little appeal for her, however, and she had to force herself to choke down a small portion of it, knowing that she would need the sustenance to keep her going for the rest of the day.

"Penelope?" she asked when she had eaten a quarter of her lunch. The woman still refused to answer her, and she drew in a deep breath before trying once more. "Ms. Garcia?"

A part of her soul ached to return to formality, but that was what caught the woman's attention. Her head shot up before she could check herself, and Erin tried not to start crying at the mix of anger, bitterness, and contempt that shone from her eyes. "I'm almost finished, and then we can get back to work, Chief Strauss. After all, I'm certain you want to find the mole before any more of your dirty laundry gets aired for all to read."

The gall dripping from her words felt like a physical slap, and Erin fought to keep from recoiling. "I couldn't trust you with that yet. I don't know you well enough yet to open my heart like that. And I know that you don't understand." Penelope snorted. "And that is precisely why I did not confide in you. That dismissiveness, that cruelty, I know that's not you, not at your core, but that's what your giving me, and it tears at the very fiber of my heart and my soul."

Penelope looked somewhat mollified by her words, but Erin just shook her head as she packed up her leftovers, sticking them in the fridge next to her water. As she knelt down in front of the appliance, she let herself cry a little, knowing that Penelope couldn't see her down there. A strangled whimper tore its way past her lips, and she steadied herself on the door as she let her free hand press against her lips in order to stop any more cries.

"Erin?"

She shook her head a little more vociferously, feeling her hair come loose from its pins. "If you'll excuse me, I need to go fix my hair," she muttered as she stood up and rushed over to her desk, pulling out her purse before slipping out of her office. "I'll be back shortly, Helen. Please, hold my calls."

"Erin! Wait. Are you okay?"

She shook her head, knowing that her assistant meant well, but in this case she would only make her cry worse. Somehow, she made it over to the bathrooms without being seen, and she locked herself away in the same stall she had used earlier that day. Sinking down onto the toilet, she allowed the hurt to pour out of her heart as she buried her face in her hands. It seemed like she was destined to be alone, no matter what she did, and that hurt more than she could ever have imagined.

Finally, she drew in a long, shaky, breath as she stood up and exited the stall, stumbling over to the sinks to stare at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy, like she knew they would be, and she reached out for a wad of paper towel, running them under cold water before pressing them against her skin in an effort to reduce the swelling. Then she washed her face clean of any traces of makeup.

Opening her purse, she pulled out her brush before taking out the remaining pins that were holding her hair up in a tight chignon. A small shake of her head fluffed out her hair and she quickly ran the brush through it before hastily recreating her hairdo from that morning. A little too sharply, she jabbed one pin in, winching as it dragged against the tender skin of her scalp. Biting her lip, Erin looked into the mirror and let out a deep sigh.

"You should have known that it would end this way, Erin. You were a fool to even get your hopes up. You were a fool to think that even though things had thawed between you and Alex, that what John did to you had helped mend that bridge. You ruin everything you touch," she angrily hissed at her reflection before hitting the mirror roughly with the palm of her hand.

The bathroom door creaked open, and she hastily drew herself up to her full height, wondering who had decided to enter her sanctuary. Her guard was still up when she saw Alex slip into the room, a pensive look on her face until she saw Erin. Then, there was a hastily concealed anger in her gaze as she drifted over to Erin's side.

"So, Hotch told me about your conversation earlier."

Erin nodded warily as she turned and rested against the sink, using the cool porcelain to prop her body up as she thought about what she could say to the woman. "I never wanted your name dragged into this mess, Alex. We worked so hard to get to a place where we could be colleagues once more, and I truly respected that relationship."

"How did that person even find out about us? Did you keep a record of our affair?"

Erin winced at the slight venom present in Alex's voice, but she chose to remain honest, knowing that it was the best thing in this horrible situation. "I did. I needed a way to sort out my feeling, and I was always a meticulous journal writer. I had thought that the password I chose would have been secure enough, but I guess that it wasn't, if this blind item person could delve in and reveal something that was between us."

"Hmm," Alex replied, her eyes narrowing a little. "I also have another question for you. Hotch pulled me into his office, wanting to explain things away to the team, but he needed a few answers first. I guess that I need my answer from you first before I go back to him and give him my answer. Are you still in love with me?"

"No, I trained myself not to love you after I betrayed you. There were so many things that I felt, but the overwhelming guilt is what drove me to drink. I should have made better choices, I realized that the moment I saw your heart break. I, I'm sorry."

"I know you are, that's what makes this the worst. Do you have any idea who is out to destroy you?"

Erin shook her head, somewhat relieved to see that the earlier hurt had faded from view. "I wish that I did, but we haven't made any headway. And now, it looks like Penelope and I are going to be at odds for the time being. She, she didn't know about us, I didn't trust her with that, and she hates me for it. Alex…"

The woman reached out, rubbing her shoulder tenderly. Unconsciously, Erin stiffened, shaking her head. "Are you falling for her?"

"No. I can't fall for her. Everything I ever touch turns to rust and ashes, and it looks like I destroyed anything that might have occurred between us before it even started." Erin pursed her lips together as she fought not to cry. Alex tightened her hand around Erin's shoulder, and the comforting touch caused her tears to spill down her cheeks. "Please, please, do not tell her what I told you. Please, hold my breaking heart in your hands gently."

"Oh, Erin, someday you are going to realize that you are not the monster that you imagine yourself to be. I know you've changed, and while I was angry that this truth about us was thrust into the light, I should have known that you wouldn't just blab it to all and sundry. You didn't do this, the mole did. You are blameless."

"Would that I could believe you, Alex. I, I need to get out of here. If you see Penelope or Agent Hotchner, tell them something believable. I can't be here right now." She pushed past Alex and hurried from the room, her focus on trying to escape.


	8. Chapter 8

"Please, David, I need a few days away from here to regroup and find my center once more. The only place that I thought of that would protect me from my stressors right now is your cabin. I know that it's an imposition, but could I please have the keys?"

For some reason, Erin had run right to David, knowing that only he had the ability to provide her with a safe haven. And neither Penelope nor Alex would think to look for her there, since David wasn't the obvious choice any longer. She stared intently into his eyes, pleading silently with him to agree to her request. He let out a quiet sigh as he strode over to his window, closing the blinds on them. Then he turned back to face her, a tender smile on his lips. "You can't keep running away from the world, Erin."

She shrugged a little before looking down at the floor. "I know that that's what caused our breakup, but I was still so tender from Curtis's handiwork. And then this thing with Penelope just stole up on me. My defenses were down, and she wormed her way into my heart before I could slam the gate shut. And I don't want to be reminded of that failure for a few days. Is it really so awful to run away? Isn't it better than getting drunk?"

"No." He came over to her side and pulled her into a tight hug. His scent was so familiar to her senses, and she unconsciously nuzzled her cheek against his chest before bursting into tears. "You have to face things, Erin."

"This person is intent on destroying me. Have you read the blind items?" Erin felt him nod against her head. "Then you know what's being said about me. And now Penelope thinks the worst of me. I didn't get a chance to tell her about Alex on my terms, she had to find out because of the blind item, and I cannot do this right now. Please, understand. It's this or lose my tenuous grasp on things."

He cocked his head to one side, staring at her, and she pursed her lips. "Fine, bella. Just, make certain that if you feel compelled to raid the liquor cabinet that you call me first. I want to talk you down off that ledge."

"All right," she whispered, breaking eye contact and staring at the floor, digging the toe of her shoe into the carpet. "Thank you, David."

"Oh, you know exactly how to get your way with me, still. I will always have a tender heart for you." Dave rummaged through his pockets and then pulled out his keyring. "It's supposed to be cool, so you'll have to probably light the fireplace a few nights. If you need more wood, just call me, and I'll come up and cut some cords for you."

"Thank you, so much," she whispered as she took the keyring he held out to her. "And I'll take good care of the cabin, I promise."

"Yeah, well, I know where to find you if there's any damage." She let out a little laugh and sighed when she felt Dave cup her chin, gently forcing her to look into her eyes. "Seriously, Erin, I don't think that this is the wisest choice right now. I really think that you need to face down your demons, but I will support you in this. Because a part of my heart still loves you."

She couldn't stop the tears that sprung to her eyes. "I'll come back when my heart is stronger. Sometimes, the demons are too loud, and I need to quiet them. And I'm grateful for your support, even if it is given under duress." She pulled herself up onto tiptoes as she curled an arm around his neck, giving him a quick kiss. The spark wasn't there, but it was still nice to kiss him. "I'll see you in a little while."

"I'm holding you to that. You can't run forever."

"But you can really try," she murmured as she stroked the keyring. "Please, do not tell anyone where I went. I mean it, David, I need my privacy."

"I understand, bella." He leaned in and kissed her once more and she smiled against his lips. "And I'll light a candle for you tonight before I go home."

"Thank you." Erin let go of him and made her way over to his door. "I just wish that things were different between us."

"Yes." Erin had to blink back tears, knowing that she would break down crying once more if she stayed any longer. Rushing from his office, she bypassed the elevator and fairly ran down the stairs to the parking garage, praying that neither Penelope nor Alex had noticed her escape.

It wasn't until she was on her way home that her phone began to ring. Touching the Bluetooth button on her steering wheel, she listened to the sound of Helen's voice waft out of her speakers. "Erin, Penelope is driving me crazy, asking where you are. I know that you two had a fight earlier today, and I'm assuming it's about the latest blind item, so I don't get this concern."

"I don't either, Helen. I just needed some space and time to heal from this latest attack. I, I won't tell you where I'm going, because I'm certain that Penelope would try to wheedle it out of you, and this way you can honestly say that you have no idea. I do need you to give me a buffer zone of about two hours, so that I can pack, though."

"I will be more than happy to do that for you, Erin. Stay safe."

"I will." They hung up and Erin hummed under her breath, letting the silence of the car wash over her as she drove. The moment she arrived home, she plugged her work phone into the charger, tucking her personal one into her purse before hurrying upstairs, knowing that she didn't have much time. As she packed for a few weeks at the cabin, Erin found herself wishing that things had gone differently that day, that she had thought to trust Penelope enough to not betray her. There was no way to go back in time, though, she would just have to move forward.

Finally, she thought she had enough packed, and then she was heading back downstairs to the garage and throwing the bags in the back seat of her car. There was little traffic on the road as she drove, and for that she was grateful, since it meant that she would reach the cabin sooner than she had planned. Turning up the radio, she found herself humming along to _Contre Qui, Rose_ , her thoughts turning sad as she listened to the music.

After about an hour of driving, her stomach growled, and she began to look for a restaurant. A quaint looking place came into view, and she pulled off the road, parking close to the door. As Erin was entering the door, her phone began to ring, and she wondered who it could possibly be, since she had left her work phone at home. Tugging it out of her purse, she saw that somehow, Penelope had managed to track down her personal number, and she frowned as she declined the call.

Erin tried to refocus as she entered the restaurant, but found herself preoccupied. "Table for one?" the hostess asked, and she nodded before following the young woman back to a secluded table. A menu was set on the table and she slid down into her chair before picking it up and glancing it over. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Do you have Earl Grey tea?" she asked hopefully.

"I think so. If we don't, what else could I get you?"

"Black coffee, if that's the case." The girl nodded and then moved off, leaving Erin alone. She tried to ignore her phone, but it was blowing up with notifications, and with a sigh, she slapped the menu onto the table and pulled it out of her purse. Penelope had managed to send her a total of twelve texts in a short period of time, and Erin shook her head as she turned her phone off, deciding to ignore them all.

"I managed to track down some teabags for you. Have you decided what you want?"

Erin looked up and shrugged. "I'm hungry, but I can't really decide. Would you bring me your favorite meal? I promise, I won't send it back or complain. I just don't have any focus at the moment."

"I like some rather weird things, just so you know."

"That's perfectly fine. As long as it's edible, I'll be happy." The young woman nodded and moved off, making a few notes on her pad as she did. Erin picked up the caddy of teabags, thumbing through them to find the flavor she wanted. As she dipped it into the water, Erin thought about how happy she would be when she finally made it to the cabin and could ignore everyone and everything for at least a few days.


	9. Chapter 9

Erin stretched as she sat up in the bed. There was something so decadent about being able to sleep in on a work day, and she sighed a little as she thumped back against the headboard. The morning sun was streaming in the window, and she felt so renewed by her ability to sleep uninterrupted by thoughts of home or calls from a team needing assistance.

Finally, she slid out of bed and padded over to her bag. On top was her copy of _The Four Loves_ , and she smiled as she grabbed it before heading downstairs. Erin hummed under her breath as she started brewing a pot of coffee. While that was dripping, she opened the fridge, pulling out the carton of eggs that she had bought before reaching the cabin.

It didn't take long to make up a quick breakfast, and she plated it before pouring a large mug of coffee and heading into the sunroom. The light there was almost majestic, and she felt a deep peace invade her heart. Settling into the rattan chair that David had bought for her, she rested her feet on the low table so that she could put her plate on her knees. As she ate, she watched the sun rise high in the sky, thankful to be able to relax in this manner.

Once she had eaten the last bite, she took a small sip of coffee before picking up her phone. Scrolling through her notifications, she saw that she had received numerous calls and texts from Penelope. Sighing, Erin tried not to roll her eyes as she ignored the messages. She wasn't going to cave so easily, not after Penelope had hurt her so, but she knew that the woman would be persistent beyond all measure if she didn't take some steps to ensure that she didn't continue to disturb her.

Drawing in a deep breath, Erin scrolled through her contact list and found the Director's number, pressing it without hesitation. Bringing the phone to her ear, she listened as the call connected, hoping that she wasn't too early. "Good morning, Erin. I was wondering when you were going to be calling in. Ms. Garcia has been sending me almost hourly texts, emails, or calls to see if I had heard from you."

"That doesn't surprise me, since she's been doing the same with me. I just, I needed a few days to regroup and recharge my internal battery. I've been run ragged trying to figure out who this mole is, and I'm finding myself at the end of my rope. Thankfully, I was able to convince David to offer me the shelter of his cabin for a week or so, and then I'll be back, and able to put my whole being into tracking down this unsub."

There was a short pause, and Erin wondered what was going through the man's head. "I'm honestly surprised that it took you so long to ask for a short break. I know that this has been harder on you than it would have been on another Section Chief, given that an inordinate amount of the blind items seem to revolve around you. Take your week, Erin, and I'll have Helen work with Penelope to collate all the data while you're gone."

"Thank you so much, Sir. I wish that I didn't need to take this time…"

"But we want you healthy, after everything you've been through. Do not worry, I'll keep the wolves at bay until you're ready to come home."

"Again, thank you. And I'll let you know if I come home any earlier."

"All right, sounds good."

She was going to say more, but found her words dying in her throat. Instead, she just murmured a goodbye, letting him hang up first. Then she turned her phone off, throwing it onto the coffee table as she stretched out in the chair and picked up her book. Though she had read it numerous times, every time she found something new to her. And instead of starting at the beginning, she decided to delve into the section on friendship. There was something about it that called to her, and she read eagerly, trying to ignore her discomfort with Lewis's casual dismissal of homosexuality in regards to friendship, since that cut too close to the bone for her at the moment, given her predicament with Penelope and Alex.

Normally, she read quickly, trying to get as much in as possible, but now that she could relax, she found herself carefully reading over the paragraphs, taking time to ruminate over them and think about how they applied to her life. And then, she realized that she was crying, and Erin knew that it was time to set aside the book and find something a little less introspective to read.

Standing up, she padded over to the bookcase that stood in the corner of the room. A wide smile spread across her face when she saw that she had left some books here, ones that she had forgotten about, and she tugged out a Ben Bova book. Her former lover had never breathed a word about her love of science fiction, and for that she was most grateful for his discretion.

It didn't take long to get lost in the story, and the next thing she knew, her stomach was growling loudly, letting her know that it was time to get something to eat. Setting the book over the arm of the chair, she unfolded her body, reaching her hands up to the sky as she stretched, a low groan of pleasure tumbling from her lips. Padding into the kitchen, she grabbed some fruit from the bowl and then poured herself a glass of water before making her way back to the sun room. There was something about the light of the room that helped to settle her soul, and she wondered if her back would let her get away with sleeping in the chair that night so that the sun would kiss her awake in the morning.

"You're getting romantic in your sorrow, Erin. David would say that you're inner Byron was slipping out," she said as she collapsed in the chair, popping a grape in her mouth as she made herself comfortable once more. "And if I squint hard enough, I can imagine the lawn is the Moors of England."

Shaking her head a little, Erin picked up the novel once more, delving back into the story with relish. By the time she was finished with the book, the sun was setting, and she felt more relaxed than she had been in weeks. Setting the book on the coffee table with a satisfied sigh, she stood and made her way into the kitchen, making a sandwich before pouring herself a glass of milk. Taking her meal to the living room, she curled up on the sofa and turned on the television, trying to avoid watching the news.

That proved to be a losing battle, since every fibre in her being called her to check in with what was happening in the real world. As usual, it was nothing good, and she heaved a deep sigh before finally convincing herself to switch to something a little lighter. It didn't take long to find _Whose Line Is It Anyway?_ and she smiled as she settled into the sofa, letting her mind be entertained by the onscreen antics of the cast.


	10. Chapter 10

Erin had just finished loading the dishwasher the next morning when someone knocked on the front door. Immediately, her spine stiffened, as she knew that she hadn't been expecting anyone. A small part of her wondered if David had ordered her some groceries and forgotten to tell her, as that would be typical for him, so she carefully made her way to the door, desperately wishing that she had her service weapon with her. That had been left home, in her gun safe, since she hadn't thought that she would need it.

Peeking her head out the window next to the door, she gasped to see the back of a very familiar woman, and Erin let the curtain slip back into place, her mind racing a million miles a second. And then, she felt a deep disappointment, knowing that David had told someone else about her idyll, and that she wouldn't have the opportunity to forget everything that was going on back home.

With a heavy heart, Erin opened the door, and the slight squeak of the hinges caught Alex's attention, causing her to turn and look at her. "Oh, you are here. This was the last place I was going to look before heading home and calling it a lost cause."

"I'm sorry?" Erin asked as she gestured for the woman to come inside. Alex smiled gently at her as she picked up an overnight bag and slipped past her. Erin sighed as she closed the door, wishing that Alex would tell her what was going on. "Did David tell you I was here?"

"No. Weren't you listening? I said that I came looking for you. I knew that after you left the office two days ago that you were more upset about this blind item than you were letting on. It took some time to get Hotch to agree to give me some time off so that I could look for you. I didn't tell him that was the reason, of course, but I knew that we needed to talk."

Erin's heart lurched a little in her chest as she nodded, leading the woman into the living room. Alex dropped her bag onto the floor before taking a seat on the sofa, patting the spot next to her. She was hesitant to take that spot, though, since she wasn't certain what the woman wanted. "Alex?"

"I'm not going to bite, I promise. Please, have a seat."

It rankled her a little, that Alex sounded like it was her place that she was inviting Erin into, and she frowned deeply as she sank down onto the other side of the sofa, giving the woman a wary look. "All right, the next, obvious, question is why did you seek me out? We didn't exactly part of the best of terms a few days ago. And I was rather looking forward to my time alone here."

Alex shrugged a little as she pulled her legs up to her chest. It was then that Erin noticed she was casually dressed, in leggings and an oversized burgundy blouse, and she smiled to remember a time when they were close enough to let their guards down around each other like that. "I reacted badly, I'll admit. I just wasn't ready for our past to be put on display like that. It was something that I hid away, since it caused me too much pain. When I looked beyond the tip of my own nose, however, I realized that I might have hurt you."

Erin nodded shortly as she looked down into her lap, trying to calm the rapid beating of her heart. "I hurt myself worse, Alexandra. I didn't trust Penelope enough to tell her that there was more hidden in my past, and when she found out about us, she felt betrayed. I ruined any chance of a good friendship with my stubbornness."

She started to cry and curled up into a tight ball, wanting to shut out Alex. She just didn't have the emotional resources in her at that moment to deal with another person, and she buried her face in her knees as she began to sob. Vaguely, she felt Alex scoot closer to her, then felt her arm wrap around her shoulders, tugging her against her chest. She tried to ignore how wonderful Alex's fingers running through her hair felt, but found that that was a losing battle. "If she really wants to be your friend, she'll seek you out, Erin."

"Maybe," she whispered as she grew more comfortable with Alex's arms around her. "Are you going to stay?"

"I thought that I might. After all, you should have someone here to look after you."

The notion did sound nice, and she smiled a little as she nuzzled her cheek against Alex's chest. The longer they embraced, the more comfortable she felt being in the woman's arms, and while she knew that was dangerous, a small part of her didn't really care that she was treading on thin ice. It seemed like Alex wasn't objecting, either, since her hand had moved on from Erin's hair to her back, offering her more comfort. "Why would I need someone to look after me?" she asked a bit tiredly.

"Because you've been through the wringer these last few weeks, and sometimes you just need to be taken care of, to have someone watch over you while you sleep, and to make certain that you don't end up never coming back."

"Like anyone would really miss me," she muttered, wincing a little when Alex pinched the tender flesh of her upper arm.

"I don't ever want to hear you talk like that, Erin. There are people in this world who mourned you deeply when you were gone from us. There are people who would miss you dearly if you chose to never return to the BAU. And I would be among their number."

She pulled away a little so that she could turn and look up into Alex's face. There was a sincerity in her eyes that told Erin she had been fully forgiven, and she shook her head a little, her tears starting to flow a little harder once more. Alex reached down and wiped her cheeks free of tears, which caused Erin to reach up and close her fingers around the woman's wrist. "I'm glad that you would miss me, but we can't do this to each other. You have James, and I have my solitude. Perhaps things turned out like they always should have."

Alex shook her head as she leaned down and pressed her lips to Erin's forehead in a tenderly sweet caress. "You were not meant to live a life of solitude, Erin. You crave touch and affection too much to live alone."

"And you know me too well, still. How can you remember so much about me?"

Alex gave her a knowing smile as she caressed her hair. "Because I remember our time together so well, or at least the good parts of it. We loved each other, once, and I will always cherish those memories."

Erin fell silent, unable to rebut her words, and then she let her head slip down into Alex's lap, feeling her body relax as Alex kept running her fingers through her hair. A part of her knew, though, that if she allowed this to continue for too long, they would end up doing something they would both regret, and she didn't want to hurt her. Their fledgling friendship meant too much to her now to do that.


	11. Chapter 11

Erin woke up the next morning feeling refreshed and ready to face a new day. Despite her thoughts that Alex would disturb her solitude, Erin had found that she had welcomed the other woman being there. They had fallen into an easy rhythm that had reminded Erin so much of their early relationship, and she found the hours passing by so quickly that she wondered how she would react when the time came for her to go home.

Sitting up, she stretched widely before slipping out of bed and padding over to the armoire, rifling through her clothes until she found the outfit she wanted. Heading to the bathroom, she locked herself behind the door and slipped off her nightie before climbing in shower and turning on the water.

As the warm stream splashed down on her, Erin let her thoughts wander. While she loved being able to spend time with Alex, there was something that she found lacking in their interactions. A part of Erin's heart wished that Penelope was there to talk to, that she would be able to ask forgiveness from her, and that they could start their relationship anew. And those thoughts scared Erin, because she knew them full well. They were the same sort of feelings that she had experienced with Alex the first time around, when love was fresh and beautiful. She did not want to feel love for Penelope, since a part of her knew that it would only end in tears.

The water started to feel a little cool on her skin, so she hurriedly washed her hair before easing off the cold water, eking out the hot water for as long as she could so that she could wash up. Turning off the water completely, Erin grabbed a fresh towel from the rack and wrapped it around her body before stepping out onto the bathmat. Shaking her hips a little, she felt drops of water roll down her legs, and she smiled as she made her way over to the counter, staring at her reflection in the mirror as she dried her body.

There was something in her eyes, as if she had found some peace by Alex showing up at her door the other night. "Erin, you're not going to do this to yourself, you're not going to let yourself fall head over heels for her again. That didn't end well the last time, and now that she has James in her life, it would end even worse for you," she whispered before drying off her face. It didn't take long for her to apply her makeup, and then she was dressing, pulling on a pair of comfortable knit pants and an oversized summer sweater over her underwear.

"Are you almost finished in there, Erin? I want to take a shower, too!"

She gave herself a guilty look before striding over to the door and tugging it open. "I may have used all the hot water up, Alex. Sorry?"

The other woman rolled her eyes at her before reaching out and taking hold of her elbow. "I cannot believe that that was the one thing I forgot about you. I still remember all the cold showers I had to take after you when we were…well, when we were together."

Erin nodded, biting her lip as she let Alex guide her down to the kitchen. "I was thinking about that time as I showered, actually. And remembering some good things. But we can't go back to that time, no matter how much I might want that. I'm free, you are not. You love James too much to leave him for someone like me."

Alex stopped them in the hall, turning Erin so that they were looking at each other. "You're right, Erin. Just because I came here, does not mean that I plan on having a torrid affair with you. I still love you, but it's different now. It's more tender and friendly, and I keep trying to convince myself that I should turn off those feelings. That I should be so angry with you for everything that happened, but you've wormed past my defenses time after time, and I'm not going to fight those feelings any longer. So while I love James with all my heart, I love you, too. Just not in the more carnal sense. I'm going to leave that to you and Penelope."

She squeaked a little as she shook her head, tugging her arm free of Alex's grip and hurriedly making her way to the kitchen. Erin knew that Alex would be hot at her heels, and she fought to find a way to deny the truth that her friend had so succinctly seen. Using the refrigerator as a buffer, Erin pulled open the door and grabbed the carton of eggs. "So, scrambled or fried this morning?" she asked too brightly, and Alex gave her a tender smile as she shook her head.

"Fried, but I'm not going to let you off the hook so easily. I'm not wrong, am I? There is something between the two of you."

Erin sighed deeply as she set the carton on the counter and knelt down to pull out the frying pan. "While I may feel things for her, I'm not certain that she reciprocates those feelings. And while we're working on this case, there is no way that I can explore something. I'm on thin enough ice as it is, after everything that Curtis did to try and destroy me." Turning her head, she let her features take on her feelings as she blinked rapidly. "I, I just can't…"

Her voice broke, and then Alex was moving forward, wrapping her in a tight hug. "Oh, Erin, sometimes you have to take that step into the unknown."

"It would be so much easier if she didn't despise me now, for not telling her about us. We're not going to move past that, and I'm going to use this time here to get over this infatuation, so that when I go back to the office, we can work together, and I can move on."

Alex stroked her hair tenderly before pressing her lips to her forehead, comforting her sweetly. Erin sighed a little, remembering this side of Alex so well. "I'll try to make certain that she sees the sweet side of you."

They sighed in tandem, and Erin had to actively fight the urge to turn her face and kiss Alex's cheek, since that could destroy everything between them. "You were the only one who ever saw me as sweet," she finally replied as she pulled away and set the frying pan on the oven. "I'm not even certain that I see myself that way any longer."

"Well, maybe we'll just have to work on that, then," Alex said as she moved away from her and boosted herself up on the counter. "Now, are you going to want tea or coffee this morning?"

"I think it is the perfect morning for Earl Grey, don't you? And it seems that David picked up my habit, too, since there's a fresh box in the cupboard next to you." Alex nodded and began to rummage through said cupboard while she turned back to the stove and turned the burner on. While the pan was warming up, she grabbed a knife and then sliced off a slab of butter to grease it with.

The delicious scent of food and tea mingling together helped to relax Erin a little, but that feeling of ease soon disappeared when a heavy knocking resounded through the room. Instantly, Erin stiffened, giving a stricken look to Alex. "I don't know, Erin," she murmured, reaching for her service weapon. "And my gun is in my suitcase."

"It's probably nothing," she murmured, trying to calm her pounding heart. "Watch the eggs," she said as she turned down the flame and carefully made her way to the front door. Erin peeked through the window, not seeing anyone there right away.

"You haven't opened the door yet?"

Erin jumped a little and swallowed the shriek that came to her lips. Shaking her head, she gave Alex a small smile. "I wanted to see if I could see who it was. Did you take the eggs off the burner, at least?"

"Yes, Erin." She caught the gentle eye roll and frowned. "I know enough not to come between you and your food."

Before she could give a tart reply, another round of loud knocking shook the door, and she took a deep breath. "Whatever you're selling, I don't want any," she said as she opened the door, only to gasp at who was standing on the stoop.

"What are you doing here?" Alex and Penelope asked in tandem, and Erin closed her eyes, feeling like she had just fell down a rabbit's hole from which there would be no escape.


	12. Chapter 12

Erin poked nervously at her eggs, her eyes darting between Alex and Penelope. A tense silence had descended upon the room the moment Erin had beckoned the younger woman inside, and she was waiting for the small spark that would set off the powder keg of emotions that filled the silence.

"So, what did you threaten Rossi with to get him to give up Erin's location?"

Erin's head shot around to stare at Alex, her eyes widening as she shook her head. The other woman narrowed her eyes a little before turning her steely gaze on Penelope, who had the good graces to blush as she gazed down into her tea. "I didn't get the information from him. I sort of did something the Black Queen would do, and cracked Erin's phone so that I could get access to the GPS signal in it."

Her mouth dropped open a little at the invasion to her privacy, but Alex actually had the nerve to quietly laugh at that. Both of them turned to look at her, and Alex winked at her before addressing Penelope. "Why did I not come up with that scenario? That does seem to be completely you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" The defensive tone in Penelope's voice told Erin that she was feeling guilty for her actions, and she gave the woman a commiserating smile before poking at her eggs once again, finally taking a bite so that she had something in her stomach. "Huh, Alex? Are you driving at something?"

"Just that you seem to be really adept at invading a person's privacy when you want something. It's a pattern, one I should have picked up on before this. Did you ever think that Erin might have wanted to be alone here?"

Penelope's nostrils flared, and Erin shrank back into her chair a little, knowing that it was inevitable that they would start arguing with each other sooner rather than later. Bracing herself for the imminent explosion, she wrapped her long fingers around her mug and held it tightly to her chest as she let her eyes dart back and forth between the two women. "That's really fucking low, Alex, especially when you, clearly have invaded her privacy and shown up here. Or did she contact you as her little booty call?"

Erin felt like she had been slapped by Penelope's words, and her eyes swam with tears as she shakily set the mug on the table before she dropped it onto the floor. "I would have thought you knew me better than that, Ms Garcia," she managed to bite out before she rose to her feet and imperiously looked down at them. "Alex, please make certain that you put the dishes in the washer when you're finished here."

As she went to sweep from the room, Erin felt a hand clamp onto her wrist, stopping her forward movement. "This conversation isn't finished, Erin. I still have questions that I want answered."

"And I never wanted you here, Ms Garcia. Now kindly let go of me." She was shocked by the ice in her voice, and looking at Alex, she could see that she just knew how close she was to breaking down completely. Shaking her arm forcefully, Erin pulled away from Penelope and strode from the room, trying to appear more in control than she currently felt.

Praying that neither woman followed her, she made her way to the sun room and curled up in the corner of the sofa, wrapping a soft blanket around herself as she drew in shallow, shuddering, breaths. Finally, the tears came, and she let them fall, knowing it would be worse if she tried to hold them in. She buried her face in the blanket, trying to mask the sound as she wept. This was everything that she hadn't wanted to happen when she escaped to David's cabin, and yet here she was.

The shuffle of feet behind her caught her attention, and she dragged the blanket against her cheeks to scrub them free of her tears. Turning her head a little, she noticed that Alex was standing in the doorway, a sad look on her face. "Where's Penelope?"

"In the kitchen, washing dishes. She seemed to think that that would be the best place for her right now. And I tend to agree with her." Alex drifted over to her side and plopped down next to her, reaching out to take hold of her hand, threading their fingers together as she started to hum a low tune under her breath.

"Alex?"

"Yes?"

"I'm really glad that you were here to act as a buffer between us. I don't know how I would have reacted if it had been just me."

"You would have handled it with as much grace and class as you did when you left the kitchen earlier." She shrugged. "Yes, you would have. Remember, I know you. Maybe not as well as I once did, but the core of who you are hasn't really changed all that much." Alex drew in a deep breath, and Erin braced herself for what her friend was going to say next. "I'm going to head home now, since I know that you're here and safe. I don't want to interrupt this time of healing for you. When you get back, though, you're having supper with James and me."

"All right." A part of her didn't want to Alex to leave, now that she was here, but she was happy for the olive branch she had been extended. Alex nodded before reaching out and tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. "Go, before I ask you to stay. And we both know that that is not good."

She nodded once more and then got up from the sofa. Before Alex left her side, though, she bent down and pressed her lips to the crown of Erin's head. The tender gesture sent a new flood of tears rolling down her cheeks and she forced herself not to watch Alex leave, knowing that she would just call her back if she did.

Closing her eyes, she let her head thump back against the seat and sighed deeply before letting herself cry a little once more. Penelope showing up had thrown a spanner in everything, and her peace seemed to have vanished with her arrival. Heavier footfalls sounded behind her, and she knew that Penelope had entered the room.

Choosing not to acknowledge the woman's presence, Erin tried to keep her breathing steady and even as Penelope took a seat on the couch. "This is a beautiful view."

Cracking one eye slightly, she looked over at Penelope, noting that she was gazing out the window and not looking at her. "It is," she whispered before scooting back into the sofa even more. A tense silence fell over the room, energy crackling about them as Alex rejoined them.

"I'm off now, Erin. If you need anything, do not hesitate to call."

"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Alex." Her friend squeezed her shoulder softly before she left the room. Erin strained her ears to keep the sound of Alex's movements in her mind until the very last moment. The sound of the door closing was too loud, and she struggled to keep from crying once more.

Again, the silence that filled the room was jagged and painful, and Erin curled up even tighter as she wondered what Penelope's next move would be. She wasn't certain that she had enough emotional reserves left to deal with anything that Penelope might throw at her, but she wouldn't let her know that.

"This is your way of dealing with things, isn't it? You turn tail and run, because it's easier to do that than to talk about what's wrong. You're a coward, Erin, through and through."

There wasn't an emotion in those words, which hurt Erin more than if Penelope had yelled at her, and she frowned deeply as she tried to stop the sob that threatened to spill from her lips. Throwing off the blanket, she launched herself out of the couch and stalked over to the window, resting her hands on the sill as she stared out at the lake.

"Didn't you hear me, Erin?"

Whirling around, she fixed her gaze on the woman, feeling the first stirrings of anger rise in her chest. "Yes, I heard you the first time, Ms Garcia. And something you have conveniently forgotten is that I have struggled with my sobriety ever since Curtis tried to kill me. I have fought and clawed and scratched my way to some semblance of normality. And then, some jackass decides that they're going to destroy me by releasing some of my darkest, most private, secrets and you turn your back on me. You make it seem like I was trying to keep you in the dark, but based on your behavior, is it really any surprise that I didn't inform you of my affair with Alex? I was just starting to trust you with a very fragile heart, and you destroyed me, and took great pleasure in it. Get out!"

Penelope popped to her feet and stalked over to her side, pressing her index finger into the middle of her chest. "You have never given me any indication that you were struggling." A loud snort slipped from her nose before she could stop it, and then Penelope's hand was flattening against her chest, pushing her back against the window as she stared into Erin's eyes. Despite her anger, there was something so beautiful about her, and Erin's heart ached so deeply for something she could never have. "You lie and you hide yourself away and then you get hurt when people don't react the way you want them to. I'm sorry that your heart is so fragile, but maybe you did that to yourself!"

"Fuck you," she hissed, leaning in close to Penelope's face.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" And then, the crackling tension that had grown between them the closer they had gotten to each other that morning broke as Penelope leaned in and pressed her lips against Erin's in a bruising, passionate kiss, and Erin gave herself over to the moment, unable to do anything else.


	13. Chapter 13

It was only the rough way that Penelope cupped her breast that snapped Erin from the haze of her passion, and she pulled back from Penelope, confused anger rising up in her chest. Before she could really think about what she was doing, Erin raised her hand and went to slap Penelope, only for the younger woman to close her fingers around her wrist and squeeze painfully.

Erin wasn't about to let on just how much the grip hurt, so she drew herself up to her full height and stared down her nose at Penelope. That seemed to have no effect on her, though the grasp did loosen slightly. They continued to stare at each other, and somehow it only took a matter of minutes for Erin to let her shoulders slump as her defenses came tumbling down around her feet. Warm tears started to roll down her face, and that was the moment that Penelope fully released her before wrapping her arms around her waist in a tight, welcome, hug.

As Penelope hooked her chin over Erin's shoulder, the first ugly sob tore its way from her throat, and she gratefully allowed Penelope to bring her over to the couch and they sat heavily. Erin was hesitant to curl up against her, not really certain what was going on any longer. Things had shifted so dramatically in the space of a morning, and she wished that just for once in her life things were uncomplicated, that she could just have a peaceful life and not worry about the outside world.

Soft lips brushed against her temple, and she looked up to see that Penelope was crying, too, fat drops that spilled off her face to splash down on Erin's cheeks. A sad smile curved her lips upwards, and she reached up to caress Penelope's cheek. "I didn't come here to be cruel, and that is all I have been since I stepped foot inside. All I could focus on was my own selfish feelings, and how hurt I was that you hadn't trusted me. So I twisted all those feelings into the sharpest meanness I could muster, and used that against you."

"I haven't really given you cause to trust me or to be kind. Every time that we seem to get closer, I do something that throws up a wall between us. I would really have loved to have you as my friend…"

"Friend? Friends don't kiss each other like that."

There was a hesitant, teasing, tone to Penelope's voice, and Erin decided that she would try to answer just as lightly. "I rather think that you were the one to kiss me."

"That may be, but still. What's between us?"

Erin took a deep breath as she nuzzled her cheek against Penelope's shoulder. "Would you believe me if I said that I don't know? Because I really don't know. Though the one thing I am certain of is that I do not want to destroy whatever is between us right now. Things are only going to get more and more difficult for me, for us, from here on out, since it appears that the mole is focusing on me."

"Well, I suppose that you'll just have to tell me all your deepest, darkest, secrets." Penelope lightly chucked her beneath her chin to let her know that she was still teasing, and Erin smiled a little wider as she pushed away from Penelope so that she could sit up and look at the woman better. "Seriously, though, I do think that I am going to have to become quite intimately aware of you and your past, so that we can start becoming a little more proactive with regards to our malicious mole."

"I don't think that there's much else to say, really. You know the worst, the affair, and how I cut the rope on Alex. I'm certain that there are a few aspects that could still be touched upon, like my drinking, since I did put so many people at risk with some of the decisions I made while drunk at work. They could bring up the fact that it was Agent Morgan who brought me to rehab, since I wrote extensively about that in my journal, as well."

"Wait, what? That's how the mole got the information about you and Alex? From your personal journals?" Erin nodded as she crossed her legs into the lotus position, biting the corner of her lip as she watched Penelope's mind try to put together the pieces of what was before them. "I take it that you keep this journal on your work computer?"

"It's where I am the most, yes. Even if I write an entry on my tablet or phone, it's set to sync with my work computer, since I know that that server will always be in service." She let out a watery chuckle, and Penelope narrowed her eyes in confusion. "I sound like an egomaniac, Penelope, like there will be a reason for someone to want to read my diary when I'm dead and gone. I'm not David Rossi, no one will be interested in my life and times."

"You can't say that for certain, especially if a historian is ever doing a book on the history of the BAU. I mean, you have been connected to some very influential cases throughout the years, and if what we think is happening is true, well, you've been unpopular enough to garner two people trying to destroy you."

There was no malice in Penelope's voice, which made those words somewhat easier to hear, but they still stung a bit. There were at least two people in her orbit who truly hated her enough to do horrible things to her. She had thought that she had moved beyond the monster persona, but maybe there were some things that you just couldn't get past.

Penelope's hand touching her knee was the only thing that broke her from her introspection, and she looked up into sweet brown eyes, feeling the care shining from her like a beacon of hope. Letting out a little scoffing laugh, she leaned in and pressed her lips against Penelope's in a chaste kiss, sighing at the electric current that passed through her body as the kiss lingered on. "What was that for?" Penelope asked as they sat back.

"For caring, I suppose. I don't know what this is, you know. The affair with Alex was heady and brief, but I knew that I loved her." A wince from Penelope caused her to reach out and make contact with the woman once more, taking hold of her hand and threading their fingers together. "You'll have to hear these stories, though, if we're to have any sort of relationship when the dust settles. Even if it is just a friendship, we need to have total honesty. Yes?"

"Yes," Penelope breathed out as she gently extracted her hand from Erin's grasp and cupped her cheek, letting her thumb stroke back and forth as she continued to stare into Erin's eyes. "Though you might have to deal with my jealousy. It's one of my annoying traits."

Erin covered Penelope's hand on her cheek and nodded. "We all have at least one negative trait. Not one of us is perfect. Even if I like to think that I am." Penelope tried to swallow her giggle, but it still escaped her lips. "Truly, though, that was one of the things that led to my drinking problem. The need and drive to be perfect, to prove that I was worthy of being Section Chief, that I didn't get my job just because I'm a woman. It's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, and so I turned to a crutch."

"But you came back from that."

"Not willingly."

"But still, here you are, stronger than you were before, and with friends to stand beside you, this time. Helen, Alex, me, we're going to have your back, no matter what. I know that I didn't leave you feeling the greatest yesterday, that I should have thought about things before I blindly lashed out, but I can't go back in time and fix that. I can only just make things right, hopefully."

"We can try to make things right, yes. And I am going to need as many friends as possible by my side as we go through this hunt for the mole. Somehow, I think that this is just the calm before the storm."

Penelope nodded as they sighed in unison. "There is that feel in the air, isn't there?" Erin nodded. "So, do you want to go outside and walk around? I've never been invited to the cabin, so I'm kinda curious."

Erin nodded as she got up from the couch, holding her hand out to Penelope. She clasped it tightly, and she led them out the back door and onto the lawn. "I loved being here, you know. It's a sanctuary for my soul."

"I can see why," Penelope murmured as they walked down the pier. Reaching the end, Erin toed off her shoes and pulled Penelope to sit down next to her, resting her head on the woman's shoulder as she let her feet drag in the water, a sense of peace descending on her heart as a gentle silence filled the space between them.


	14. Chapter 14

Erin's eyes fluttered open slowly as she stretched. She could feel a warm, heavy, weight around her waist and, turning her head, she saw that Penelope was still fast asleep, a tiny smile on her lips. It was then that Erin remembered that they had come upstairs to talk when she had almost fallen asleep at the table. She knew that they had talked for a little while longer, but she couldn't really recall what had been discussed.

Unable to help herself, Erin leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to Penelope's lips. Her cheeks twitched a little as her smile grew, but as Erin continued to watch, she slept on. Sighing a little, she lifted Penelope's arm and turned onto her side so that she could more easily touch the woman. Reaching out, she dragged her finger down the woman's nose before tapping it against her lips. And when that failed to wake her, she pressed a quick kiss to her cheek before letting her head thump down on Penelope's chest, listening to her breathe.

"Are those all the good morning kisses I'm going to get?" Penelope asked groggily as her fingers started to rake through Erin's hair.

"Were you awake all this time?"

"Guilty. I wanted to see how far you'd go. Besides, I'm not really Sleeping Beauty." Erin laughed lowly before letting out a contented moan as Penelope started to scratch her scalp. "Do you like that?"

"Yes," she whispered out as she snuggled in closer.

"Good." Penelope wrapped a piece of hair around her finger, tugging on it gently. "Erin?"

"Yes?"

"I danced around this all night, but…do you forgive me? Can you forgive me?"

The questions gave her pause, and she bit her lip a little as she mulled over her decision. There was a part of her that was still smarting from the way Penelope had treated her, but she knew that it was only because she cared about her deeply. The tugging on her hair became slightly more frantic, and that was the only way that Erin knew how anxious Penelope was about her answer.

"Yes, I can and will forgive you. Because I think that there is something here between us that needs to be explored, and if I were to shut off the communication now, we would never be able to recapture this feeling." The grip on her hair relaxed and Erin smiled a little, knowing that she had made the right decision.

"Thank you." Penelope's voice was fragile, tender, and Erin knew that they had been really close to coming apart at the seams.

"You're welcome." They sighed in tandem, and Erin contorted her body so that she was now looking up towards Penelope's face. The smile on her lips stole Erin's breath away, and she felt her lips respond in kind. "So, do you want to go down and make breakfast?"

"Maybe in a little bit. But I'd really like to stay in this happy bubble for the moment. And maybe find out a little more about you?"

"What else is there to know? You've managed to find out all my deepest secrets yesterday, so that we could be prepared for the future."

Penelope nodded a little. "Yeah, I know some secrets about you that could be detrimental should they come out. But I still feel like there's so much about you that I don't know. And I'd like to find some of them out. Like, I couldn't help but notice you had a Ben Bova book sitting out on the coffee table. Are you a sci-fi reader, then? What's your favorite book?"

"Well, at least you're stating slightly easier this time," she joked as she sat up, once more crossing her legs in the lotus position as she regarded Penelope. "You are not allowed to tell anyone, but yes, I am a closet sci-fi fan. It started with Ray Bradbury, and his story 'Kaleidoscope'. There was something about it that fascinated me, and I quickly read everything that he had published. From there, I sort of lost myself in the worlds that the authors created."

Penelope nodded as she also sat up, bringing her knees to her chest as she continued to gaze at Erin. "I always assumed that you would be a fan of Jane Austen and the classics in general. There are hidden facets to you, and I rather like that. So, besides Rossi, am I the only one who knows about this little secret?"

The amused smile that danced on her lips told Erin that she had amused Penelope, and she shook her head. "You're the third person who knows. Not even my husband found this out about me."

"Ah!" Penelope rested her chin on her knees and then drew in a deep breath. "All right, you managed to dodge the favorite book question. Let me guess, books are like children, you can't pick your favorite?"

Erin nodded. "Yes. There are books that I love for different reasons, and I turn to certain books depending on my mood. Though I do, generally, turn to C S Lewis for a number of reasons."

"Narnia?" Penelope asked, excitement coloring the word as it slipped from her lips, and she hated to shake her head. "You don't like the Narnia series?"

"I do, but those aren't the books I normally turn to. _The Problem of Pain_ , _The Four Loves_ , _Til We Have Faces_ , those have all helped me beyond measure. Narnia was what I read to my children when they were young."

Penelope gave her a soft smile as she leaned forward and touched Erin's knee. "My mom read them to me, too, when she noticed I loved fantasy of all sorts. Though she would mutter about lion Jesus every time we reached the last book."

Erin tried to stifle the giggle that rose from her stomach, but it was a losing battle, and she fell back against the mattress to stare up at the ceiling. "Some of the imagery was a little heavy handed. You know, I always identified with Susan."

She surreptitiously glanced over at Penelope, trying to gauge her reaction to that statement. She saw that a quick flash of sorrow passed over her face, and she reached out her hand as she closed her eyes. Penelope took hold of it, threading their fingers together and squeezing lightly before stretching out along her side, curving her body to fit around Erin's. The comfort of her body allowed Erin to relax a little more, and she sighed a little.

"Now that you say that, I can see how you would. You would be a Susan."

"And you'd be a Lucy."

"Yeah." Erin turned suddenly to look at Penelope and then she was closing the distance between them, kissing her softly. "You do have the nicest kisses, Erin," she sighed out as she slung her arm around Erin's waist and pulled her closer. "Now, is there anything you want to know about me?"

There were a million little things that Erin wanted to know, but the first thing that came to mind, the one that concerned her the most, that she knew would be the biggest hurdle to any future they might have, if they had one, was what she blurted out. "What are your true feelings for Agent Morgan?"

"And you certainly don't pull any punches, do you?" Erin blushed as she shrugged a little. "It's perfectly okay, I'd want to know the same thing if I were you. Derek and I are the best of friends. Once upon a time I thought there might be something between us, but we ended up being ships in the night. I could never be the woman he wanted me to be, and he could never be the partner I needed him to be. And I suppose that that worked out perfectly, since it means that my heart is free for, well, for someone else."

The tender hesitancy in Penelope's voice caught her a little off guard, and Erin nodded, feeling her heart lurch in her chest a little. "You'll have to be careful with my heart, even if it is free. I've found that it's particularly fragile these last few months."

"God, I know! I've hurt you how many times in the course of this investigation? And yet, you're still reaching out to me. I'm going to try to be a little more careful from here on out, but I can have a careless mouth."

"And I can have a ruthless tongue." Their eyes met, and she sighed as Penelope gave her another quick kiss. "You can't even think about doing that at work."

"I know, and that will be so hard! How did you and Rossi manage to keep things professional?"

She blushed, thinking back to some of their more heated moments. "There are a few places in the building that don't have cameras watching. The bunker is one of them, and there's still a cot." Penelope squeaked a little as her mouth drop open, and Erin shook her head quickly. "Don't even say what you're thinking. It happened three times, and each time I was certain we were going to get caught. We're not taking any chances."

"Yes, Erin."

It was then that she realized she had already begun to think of her and Penelope in an exclusive relationship, and that made her pull away a little, really taking in the way that Penelope looked at her, and she wondered what they were getting themselves into.


	15. Chapter 15

"If we leave now, we can still get in a half day of work on the mole."

Erin looked up at Penelope, her hands wrapping around the mug of coffee that Penelope had given her before heading back over to the stove and working on breakfast. "I told Director Sheppard that I would be off for two weeks. Maybe I don't want to get back right away."

"Do you really think you can stay away from me for that long?" Penelope teased as she plated the eggs she had made, bringing the plates over to the table and setting one down in front of Erin as she took a seat next to her. "Seriously, though, the quicker we wrap up this investigation, the quicker we can convince Sheppard to allow our relationship. I mean, if we close things well, I'm certain that we can request that one small boon of him."

She chuckled a little as she dug into her food, eating with relish. "There's a good chance that that won't happen. The frat rules are a little blurry for us, since you float in the BAU, working with a number of different teams. David and I could get around some of that, seeing as how he technically has more seniority than me."

"Still, I think that I can wheedle this favor out of him."

Erin gave her an indulgent smile as she finished up her food and then settled back in the chair, watching Penelope closely as she continued to pick at her food. "Perhaps. I suppose there's nothing that you can't do, after all."

"That's right!" Penelope gave her a sunny smile before finishing her meal. "Seriously, I think you'll feel better if you go back now. If you keep running, eventually you'll get so far out, you won't know your way back."

She had a point, and Erin nodded as she let out a deep breath. "I know that you have a point there, Penny. But I also know that people will still be talking about what's been happening. And I haven't even looked at the most recent blind items. Who knows what the mole has gotten up to in my sudden absence."

"I haven't looked, either, since I was still assessing the previous ones. So, we're what, three behind? And I know you won't believe this, but I didn't bring along my laptop, because I was more concerned about you."

Erin smiled as she finished off her coffee, deciding to tease Penelope a little. "I see why you really want to get back. You can't live off the grid any longer."

Penelope pursed her lips together as she ducked her head, not looking at Erin as she got up and put their dishes in the sink. "Would it be bad if that really was a small reason why I want to get back, too? I'm certain my emails are stacking up, and I don't really trust my backup tech all that well. He's good, but he's not me. If that even makes sense."

"It does. Because you're so good at what you do, when you're not the person in charge, it makes your skin itch."

Penelope nodded as she finished washing the dishes, setting them in the drying rack before turning back to face her. "That sums it up perfectly. So, will you indulge me and come back early? I'll go easy on you, I promise, but if I'm to work on this case, I want you by my side."

Somehow, she knew that she couldn't win with Penelope, so she let out a deep sigh as she nodded. "I don't know what will happen once we're back, I'm making no promises to be nice, this case will probably keep setting me on edge…"

"And I will be there to bring you back off the edge. If we're to be partners in this, and maybe other things, you have to trust me to look after you. I'm certain you let Rossi look after you!"

She shrugged a little, standing and making her way over to the door. "I'll need to pack, if we're to get back by one." Erin had barely made it up three steps when Penelope had reached her side and taken hold of her hand. It was comforting to know that she was there, and Erin smiled a little wider as they stepped into her bedroom. "Now, you can help me gather my things, or you can sit on the bed and not distract me. Because I know myself all too well, and…"

"I get it, and I'll sit on the bed, keeping my hands to myself, thinking pure thoughts."

"There is nothing pure about you," she muttered under her breath as she bent to pick up her bag. Thankfully, she had managed to keep all her things in relatively the same area, so it was easy enough to stuff them back inside before heading into the master bath and quickly packing her makeup case and grabbing the lingerie bag with her dirty undergarments.

"Is that really all you brought with you?"

"I tend to lounge in the same clothes when I don't have to get dressed up for work. So, I really just needed a few tops and a pair of jeans."

"I'll have to keep that in mind." They shared a smile before Erin reached out and picked up her bag. "Are you ready to head out?"

"Yes." Penelope bounced to her feet, and Erin let out a light laugh as she took hold of her hand, somehow craving the touch. There was something about Penelope that intoxicated her, and a tiny part of her wondered if she was replacing one addiction with another by developing feelings so quickly for Penelope. "I'll probably stop at a coffee shop before heading in to the office. Is there anything I can get you?"

"I'll let you decide for me. I trust you enough to do that."

Erin nodded as they stepped out of the cabin. The sun was shining brightly, and she felt optimism bloom in her chest. It was odd to have that feeling, since she hadn't had much in her life that lent itself towards optimistic thoughts. Penelope stopped them in front of her car, and she anticipated the kiss that she received, leaning into the embrace and lingering over it.

"I'll see you soon," she whispered as she finally broke away from Penelope's lips. "Drive safely."

"You, too."

Erin smiled as she climbed into her car, watching Penelope in the side mirror. Once she was underway, Erin backed out of the drive and followed her back into civilization. They diverged once in Quantico proper, and Erin stopped at her favorite coffee shop, finding herself famished along with needing a caffeine shot.

Heading inside, she quickly ordered for Helen, along with Penelope and herself, pulling out her phone to text Helen and inform her of that. It didn't take long to get her order, and then she was getting back in her car and finishing her drive in to work. It was only when she climbed out of the vehicle that she realized she was distinctly underdressed for a day in the office, and only hoped that none of her colleagues would be milling about at this time of day and see her in jeans and a blouse.

Thankfully, once she'd cleared security, she didn't see anyone she recognized, and she decided to forego the elevator, instead making her way up six flights of stairs, feeling out of breath by the time she reached her floor. Slipping out of the stairwell, she hurried over to her office and smiled brightly at Helen as she held up the bags with their food. When she didn't get a smile in return, she knew that nothing good had happened in her absence, and her smile faltered. "What is it?"

"Penelope has the latest blind items. I'll join you in your office, Erin."

She drew in a deep breath as she nodded, heading into her sanctuary. Penelope was seated at the table, an angry look on her face. Hesitantly, she set the tray of coffee cups down, and as Penelope looked up at her, the anger melted into something akin to sorrow. "The mole was busy in our absence. Here."

As Erin took a seat next to Penelope, she accepted the clipping from her hand. Attached to the first one was a sticky note, and she recognized Agent Morgan's handwriting. _If you think you can drag Penelope into this, you have another thing coming!_

Peeling off the note, she quickly scanned the blind items, feeling her eyes widen at the first. "How did the mole know about where I went? I didn't tell anyone. And how did they find out about Alex coming to visit me? Oh, god, if James sees this, he'll be furious, and rightfully so. Penny, Agent Morgan is right, you need to pull away from me, save yourself, before the taint in me infects you even more."

"I will do no such thing, Erin! We are in this together, and there is no force on heaven or earth that will separate us."

"Pretty words, Penelope. But when Agent Morgan gets back, you're going to have to make that decision all over again, and faced with your best friend, I don't know if you'll make that same choice. And I get that, I truly do. So please, let's leave things to friendship before you're forced to make a choice that will destroy my heart."

She didn't realise she was crying until Helen handed her a tissue, and she swiped at her eyes, shame filling her heart. She was such a coward, that she would push Penelope away now, after she had just declared her devotion to Erin, but she knew that she didn't want the woman to get hurt. She couldn't bear it if another person was destroyed because of her actions. All she received from Penelope was a soft smile as she reached out and caressed Erin's cheek gently.


	16. Chapter 16

After they had finished eating, Helen had discreetly left them alone, and Erin drifted over to the couch, curling up on it as she stared down at the floor. She barely registered when Penelope sat down next to her, letting her arm come to rest around her shoulders and pulling her close. "Erin, I have you. It's okay to let go again."

She shook her head as she let her head come to rest on Penelope's chest, listening to the steady beat of her heart. "If we're to figure out what's happening with the mole, I need to have a thicker skin. I need to utilize my training and my intelligence. This? This is not doing that. My emotions are so out of control at the moment that I'm no good to this investigation or you."

"Please, don't say that, honey."

The term of endearment caused her to look up, seeing that Penelope was looking down at her, and the clear love that shone from her gaze took Erin's breath away, and she caught her lip between her teeth as she finally took a deep breath and smiled. "You look at me like that, and I can almost see myself through your eyes. I only wish I was half as beautiful as your gaze makes me out to be."

"And I wish that you knew that you were more gorgeous by half than what my eyes can illuminate. And I know that you're going to say something along the lines of you can't fall for me, since I am in no position to be close to you, that I cannot possibly have feelings for someone who was once so cruel to our team, but I cannot deny the feelings in my heart. I wear them on my sleeve, and I wouldn't change that for the world."

Penelope reached out and stroked her hair tenderly, and she sighed deeply. "I just don't have any idea who would want to destroy me so much that they would drag you and Alex into this mess. I was just getting over what Curtis did to me, and now this? Did I truly alienate so very many people in the FBI as to necessitate this response?"

Shaking her head a little, Erin stood up and moved around Penelope, heading for her window and staring out it to overlook the activity below. It surprised her to see how many people were milling about, and she tried vainly to dig herself out of her morose thoughts by focusing on a few specific ones, but it seemed that her thoughts were not as easily derailed as her heart.

Penelope's warm arm closed around her waist, and she glanced over at the younger woman to see the sweet, yearning, smile on her lips. "You can't just disappear into their lives, Erin. You have to live your own life and walk the path set before you."

"The path before me is rocky right now. Is it really so bad that I want something easy for a change?"

"No, it just makes you mortal, like me. There was a time when we didn't think that you were mortal, but rather something immortal, a monolith that never changed. There were cracks in your façade, sure, but has anyone ever been let in on your life like I have?"

"Just Alex, and you know how that turned out. I tried so hard to be impervious, after everything that happened with the Amerithrax case, because there was no way that I would let anyone get that close to me again. You don't seem to respect boundaries all that well though, do you?"

"No. It's a bad failing, I know. But if you truly want me to back off, I will. Even if it will hurt my heart to do so."

Erin turned to look into Penelope's eyes before reaching out and resting her hand on her shoulder. "I won't make you do anything you don't want to do. You just have to promise me that you will do the same for me. Please?"

"Of course." Penelope's smile wobbled a little before she leaned in closer to Erin, brushing her lips against her cheek. "I suppose that we should get down to business. This is going to hurt, but we'll have to take a closer look at those blind items. But, I'll be right here by your side. Okay?"

"Yes." They nodded in tandem, and then Erin went back over to her couch and sank down onto it, picking up the clippings that Helen had had waiting for them when they had appeared. The small pieces of paper seemed to weigh so much more than the ounce they comprised. Curling up in the corner, she set aside the two newest ones, focusing on the oldest of the three.

_This section chief with the FBI has been dipping their pen into the company well for far more years than anyone could possibly have imagined. And after everything that went down, one would have thought that they had learned their lesson. That doesn't seem to be the case, however, since there seems to be renewed interest between them and a disgraced subordinate. After all, what's more American than anthrax and apple pie?_

Erin stared at those vile words, knowing that there were clues to her former relationship with Alex there, and also laid the foundation for people thinking that there was still something between them. But there didn't seem to be anything that might point to which department the unsub might be from. Shaking her head a little, she set that one aside before picking up the second one, taking a deep breath and trying to shore herself up for what was to come. Penelope reached out and curved her hand around her knee in encouragement, and Erin let her eyes dart over to her, trying to smile back at her. Her lower lip quivered a little, and Penelope's hand tightened. "You have this."

"I know," she murmured before taking another deep breath and glancing at the clipping in her hand.

_And it seems that our esteemed Section Chief couldn't stand the heat, and so got out of the kitchen, escaping to the country estate of a former lover. They wouldn't be there for long, however, since they seem to be attracting former lovers to them like moths to a flame. I'm certain there is a more luxurious linguistic_ bon mot _, but I am not a linguist. Not like our dear Section Chief's former lover. It does make one wonder what our Section Chief says when our linguist uses their tongue?_

She shuddered with revulsion at the vulgar words, knowing exactly why Agent Morgan would want to protect Penelope. She didn't want to associate her with this vile person. Closing her eyes, she worried her cheek a little between her teeth as she fought to keep from crying. "James has every right to hate me after this mudslinging. I just pray that Alex can explain things to him."

Erin allowed her eyes to slide open, choosing to focus on Penelope's eyes, knowing that they would be soft and full of the kindness she desperately needed in that moment. "Everything will work out, Erin, I'm certain of it."

"There's that precious optimism. I hope that you can hold on to that in the days ahead, as I really feel like this is going to get worse before it gets better. I have an inkling that this person is in the BAU, but I cannot say for certain."

Penelope nodded a little before taking the clipping from her hand. "All right, let me look at this. Maybe there are some clues in here that will help narrow things down in the BAU."

Erin dipped her head a little as she picked up the latest blind item, peeling Agent Morgan's sticky not off and pressing it onto her coffee table. This would be the one that hurt most to read, she could feel it in the marrow of her bones.

_It seems that there are quite a few moths who are still drawn to our devious Section Chief's flame. The resident Black Queen followed them up to their secret getaway, calling on her hacking abilities to find them. It makes one wonder, what sort of spell does the Section Chief have over the Linguist and the Black Queen? And will anyone else be bamboozled by the Section Chief's charming, pretty, face?_

"I suppose I should be flattered that the writer thinks I have a pretty face," she murmured, feeling sick to her stomach.

"If that's all he sees, then he is missing the best parts of you."

She focused in on Penelope's face, surprised to find her features a little blurry from the unshed tears in her eyes. "Oh? And what parts would those be?" she whispered.

"Your heart, first and foremost. Beneath the layers of ice that you've buried it in, you have this soft, delicate, generous, heart that is devastated to be thought of as a monster. You are not what some slimy sleezeball is trying to paint you as."

Erin let one corner of her mouth tilt up as she let out a long breath. "I hope that one day, I'll be able to see the best in people all the time, like you do. Because you have a beautiful heart, one that shines out in the darkest of times." Penelope's smile turned shy as she tucked her chin into her chest, and Erin felt like she couldn't help herself as she leaned forward and kissed her tenderly, letting her fingers tangle in the younger woman's hair as she held her close, letting the kiss linger on even as she knew that the ground they were both treading on was starting to shift more rapidly beneath them.


End file.
